My Diary

Your love catches me so i'm letting go.

2011-07-12T02:43:00.000+08:00

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." - Colossians 3:13

Forgiveness is an intriguing thing. Often a times, we view it as a mark of something good that we do, beyond ourselves. An "extra mile" that we go for someone, being the nice guy that we don't have to be by extending our gracious arms to accept one's failings in a warm hug.

the secular view of forgiveness is reciprocal in nature. One where forgiveness is decided and extended to someone after he/she has made a mistake. One where forgiveness is about being gracious and accepting. More often than not, our forgiveness of others is the consequent of their expression of remorse or repentence. And truth be told, that we only extend our forgiveness if they admit and ask for our forgiveness.

Now, not only does God tell us that repentance isn’t the necessary prerequisite to forgiveness, repentence isn't at all what the heart of forgiveness is about.

The heart of forgiveness has to be that of love.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:8

Even before we've committed sin, Christ has already forgiven us. Biblical forgiveness is one that is independent of circumstances, one that is about believing that the cross of Jesus Christ is a sufficient payment. it is not about what you've done, but what has been done for you. Christ has loved us so much, that even before we committed sin, His love has compelled Him to forgive us. That is the heart of forgiveness; the love for another. Forgiveness is not about merely having the grace to accept someone, but about one's capacity to love.

Forgiveness doesn’t start with the other person. It starts with you and God.

abandon the good for the great.

2011-02-25T11:12:00.001+08:00

Matthew 19:21-22

The rich young man went home sad. Most of us go home satisfied. Satisfied with good. Satisfied with right.

Strange Packaging

2011-01-04T22:16:00.002+08:00

remember how on birthdays we always go, "God, may you grow me in ___________ this coming year." and oh how we lament and whine when He answers our very prayers, as though to say, "God, what now? why me?".

"Sometimes God interprets our prayers in strange ways.
Sometimes you pray for something and God gives it to you, but the package doesn’t look like what you prayed for.

You prayed for humility. You got demoted.
You prayed for contentment in Christ. You stayed single longer than you wanted.
You prayed for the ability to love unconditionally. You married someone who was imperfect that made it possible.
You prayed for God to be enough. You were put in a bleak circumstance where He had to be.
You prayed for increased faith. You found yourself in a situation that required it.
You prayed for patience. You got people you find hard to love.

This might tempt you to not pray for these things at all. But that would be your loss. Not your gain. I love 2 Peter 1:8. Peter tells us that if we possess qualities like those above, “they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

The package might not look like you thought it would. But it’s going to help you become the person you should.

Our best prayers are often the ones that the Holy Spirit interprets, filters, and presents to God in such a way that it gives us exactly what we need even if it’s not exactly what we want (Romans 8:27). Or gives us what we want in a way that we don’t want or couldn’t have imagined.

God’s packaging is precise. He’s been at the business of answering prayers for a long time and He knows what He’s doing.
Keep praying and trust that what you get is exactly what you need and asked for. Even if you didn’t know it at the time."

Blogged from Pastor Steven Furtick.

God's will doesn't have to be perfect to you to be perfect for you.(Jeremiah 29:11)

like incense.

2010-08-15T02:50:00.002+08:00

May my prayer like incense rise before You
The lifting of my hands a sacrifice
oh Lord Jesus turn Your eyes upon me
For I know there is mercy in Your sight

Your statutes are my heritage forever
My heart is set on keeping Your decrees
Please still my anxious urge toward rebellion
Let love keep my will upon its knees

To all creation I can see a limit
But Your commands are boundless and have none
So Your word is my joy and meditation
From the rising to the setting of the sun

All Your ways are loving and are faithful
Your road is narrow but Your burden light
Because You gladly lean to lead the humble
I shall gladly kneel to leave my pride

if my heart is overwhelmed.

2010-06-30T15:05:00.002+08:00

If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear Your voice
I’ll hold on to what is true though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith I will believe

When my heart is filled with hope and every promise comes my way
When I feel Your hands of grace rest upon me
Staying desperate for You God, Staying humbled at Your feet
I will lift these hands and praise I will believe

I remind myself of all that You’ve done
And the life I have because of Your Son

but when we trace you always see the bottom line.

2010-06-07T00:05:00.000+08:00

did you ever get the feeling
that we started in the middle
or have you ever have the sense
that we were lying just a little
i mean come on
its not like we knew ourselves that long

the only whole heart is a broken one.

2010-04-21T23:14:00.004+08:00

so i found a job after all. not the best of job offers but it still would allow me to earn my allowance nonetheless. and how God works in the simplest of ways. i applied for an admin job but in a twist of circumstance i've found myself no where near a computer. i don't really think there's an actual job description for it, but i suppose a 'handy-man' comes close. i've had the experience of tracing and labeling hundreds of wires, working first hand with bangladesh workers moving tables, carrying 250 chairs with thai workers, and even having to catch a black cobra which ran loose. last of which was managed to be resolved with the help of a security guard(thankfully!).

i must say it wasn't as comfortable as i thought it would be. well who ever sends in a thought-out resume thinking of being a snake-catcher. and through the first week i've started to realise something about myself; on how God has been so gracious to me all these while, and how long it has been since being on the receiving end of things.

a couple of months ago i would have been scolded by my superiors for even lifting a chair into the room. a couple of months ago someone else would be given the orders instead. but today is not yesterday, and i felt what's it like to be summoned around, to be the victim of sarcastic witticisms, and to do the very jobs that i perhaps would have simply been myopic to.

but it was in a way more than any other; humbling. my late grandmother taught about how it's honourable to make a living out of your own two hands, i never truly understood the weight of that till now. don't get me wrong, i'm by no means juxtaposing myself to another; but in the recent week more clearly than ever, i see how it's God measuring me against me. in the simplest of methods i felt God reminding me of how small i really am without Him. how we are all just another face in this vast earth, no matter what we think of ourselves.

humility. it couldn't be screamed any more loudly. in the search of wanting more and more of God, how often than not did i fail to first circumcise my own heart. to replace that of which is temporal with that which is eternal. in the course to direct my life on the path i deemed right, i realise how hard i have gripped onto the steering wheel. how is that only when adversity stings does my heart prostrate; how does a heart that's filled with its own construct of agendas be desperate for a higher being?

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." - Ezekiel 36:26

the past week has served me a timely reminder of how a humble and contrite heart is quintessential for a heart to be made whole. because when the world quiets to the sound of your own breathing, we all want the same things: comfort, love and a peaceful heart. all of which God bestows should we but learn to ask.

for the only whole heart is a broken one.

he sleeps in a storm.

2010-04-13T23:36:00.003+08:00

From a Sermon by the Reb, 1975

"A man seeks employment on a farm. He hands his letter of recommendation to his new employer. It reads simply, 'He sleeps in a storm'.

The owner is desperate for help, so he hires the man.

Several weeks pass, and suddenly, in the middle of the night, a powerful storm rips through the valley.

Awakened by the swirling rain and howling wind, the owner leaps out of bed. He calls for his new hired hand, but the man is sleeping soundly.

So he dashes off to the barn. He sees, to his amazement, that the animals are secure with plenty of feed.

He runs out to the field. He sees the bales of wheat have been bound and are wrapped in tarpaulins.

He races to the silo. The doors are latched, and the grain is dry.

And then he understands. 'He sleeps in a storm.'

My friends, if we tend to the things that are important in life, if we are right with those we love and behave in line with our faith, our lives will not be cursed with aching throb of unfulfilled business. Our words will always be sincere, our embraces will be tight. We will never wallow in the agony of 'I could have, I should have.' We can sleep in a storm.

And when it’s time, our good-byes will be complete."

- excerpt taken from 'have a little faith', by Mitch Albom.

spoke volumes to me.

Change God is the only constant.

2010-03-26T17:03:00.002+08:00

it's gonna be another transition period in terms of ministry. i won't say i'm completely apathetic to this considering that its certainly not the first few transitions. change is definitely a people business.

i don't hate nor dislike 'change', in fact to a certain degree i like it. i remember once getting so sick about the drudgery of life that i told myself i'm gonna save up my pennies and give life a refresh. no doubt it is discomforting and all, but change reveals yet another side of ourselves which we never knew.

which i think is where God fits in all this. in the face of uncertainty and uncharted waters, He's the only constant. the constant that was there when we felt so alone as we first left our parents and stepped into pre-school. the counsellor that knows our motives as we made decisions which we may come to regret. the friend who was the listening ear amidst our disappointments at a ruthless world. and perhaps the only one who knows us better than ourselves; someone our hearts can rely on.

and when we anchor ourselves to such a constant. there isn't a need to worry or get cold feet. because when i know who has got my back, i just need to look ahead.

Here before Your altar, I am letting go of all I've held

2010-03-18T00:03:00.000+08:00

Here before Your altar
I am letting go of all I've held
Of every motive, every burden
Everything that's of myself

I just want to wait on You, my God
I just want to dwell on who You are

Beautiful, beautiful oh I am lost for more to say
Beautiful, beautiful oh Lord, You're beautiful to me

Here in Your presence
I am not afraid of brokenness
To wash Your feet, with humbled tears
Oh, I would be poured out till nothing's left

rock-star paradise.

2010-03-01T22:56:00.006+08:00

so i've been rather busy doing nothing lately, living the life i once used to dream off. on the side note, i had been involved in teaching this 12 year old boy to play the electric guitar. it's part of the make-a-wish foundation, and it's his wish to be a rockstar! his big day was two nights ago, and you probably would have seen a segment on him in the sunday times. i would say it was quite an enjoyable journey, teaching him from scratch. and he's certainly a fast learner, given then he's only 12 years old and has limited time to practice due to the nature of his treatment for cancer.

though there were obviously more hiccups then were reported in the news, i would say it was quite a successful event.

i would say what was really inspiring was how supportive his parents were. i don't suppose every parent would agree to seeing their kid aspire to be a rock-star, but his parents are not only supportive of it, they put in the extra effort and are deliberate in helping him towards his big night. like how his mom would always ask me how's his progress and whether he's ready, and his dad going all out to even dress up in a purple bandanna in support for his performance. i'm certain its a night none-of-us involved are gonna forget so easily.

on and he was awesome enough to write us all a card.

anyway, been thinking about some things recently and something that Joel Houston said that really struck me.

"He doesn't want our ways of doing things, He doesn't want our methods. God's not into appearances, He's into the heart. and we do what we do, and we give everything we have to God; the best of our creativity, the best of what we can do with our hands. we do it because we love God and we want to give Him the best that we can. and so there is nothing wrong with lights and great music and everything else, as long as the heart is pure and the heart is to simply glorify God, and to sacrifice by giving the best to Him. and i pray that that would be the revelation and that, in giving our best to Him. He's not just after the confession of our lips; but is after our actions. when it comes to reaching others, being prepared to be inconvenienced enough to lay down our agendas and take up God's agenda."

when the stars go blue.

2010-02-13T01:47:00.004+08:00

and yes, i'm embracing the life. the life of a nsmen, which also means that i have "so little things, so much time" once again. i ORD on the 8th Feb 2010, which was just this monday. never felt so relieved to step out of camp, in fact i actually didnt mind the 1km walk to the bus-stop in the scorching sun. i know it would be such injustice trying to sum up my entire ns experience in this short post but hey, i think its really a invaluable experience that thought me skills, both tangible and intangible. not saying its all a positive experience though, but you know, if you don't make those mistakes the lessons learnt wouldnt be as significant.

and my boss was nice enough to give me a book with his personal message to me in it. makes up for the fact that i still had to work till 3.30pm on my ORD day and have $15 worth of cab fare that i cant claim! Ah oh well. feels so good not to have to wake up at lame hours just to make the hour journey to camp. but hey, what's ns man? feel so out of touch already haha.

and it was NPD(New Pedal Day) for me on tuesday. guess what was in my post all the way from the states.

a Budda Bud Wah!! yeah u heard me right. makes a fine little collection on my pedalboard. im not gonna give a review on the wah since its not the intention of this post but love how it deals with cleans really well. only issue is that it kinda engages the switch on full sweep, but i certainly can live with that. so yes, let's welcome the newest member to the pedal family.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, I STAINED MY FENDER EJ STRAT WHILE PLAYING IT YESTERDAY!!!! all thanks to my retarded boardshorts. yes i know who plays a guitar in boardshorts but thats not the point!! it stained the lacquer finish and it wouldnt come off, till i had to risk using water to vigorously swipe the patch, only then did it start to fade off. but the imprint is still there... aarghh!

then the unthinkable happened, while i was cleaning it with the cloth after i was done, my finger slipped out and SWEPT ACROSS the guitar body. and now there's a BIG FAT SCRATCH across it thanks to my fingernail!!! aahhhh!!! that's like, $200 depreciation for the patch and a $80 scratch right there.

and rooney has been growing on my once again. check them out if you havent already years ago!!

all work no play makes jack a dull boy.

2010-02-04T21:27:00.005+08:00

i think God certainly works in mysterious ways.

yeah and im down with flu once again, seems like the flu bug just never stops well, bugging me. though im pretty sure this time the stupid amount of hours spend doing slides for the upcoming presentations was the cause of invitation. spend a good whole 5.5hrs of my leave day on monday doing it, having it crash on me 5 times, then spend the whole tuesday night till 1am trying to finish it up, but only to have my boss redo the entire thing on wednesday.

so yes, as i cascade and plough my way through one of the busiest(but certainly my LAST!!) weeks of my unit life, i thought i could just use this time to share a short blessing?

okay maybe i made it sound like, you know, a passing thought to share this but, i've been wanting to pen(fine, type) this down since it happened this morning.

well you see, i think this whole workload thing in the past few weeks have probably dulled my 'intentness' to things around me, but never would i have thought i did be so careless as to lose my 11B-you have to note that on top of all the trouble i would have getting to replace it, i can't ORD without it!! i met up with keith last night, after an extremely tiring day, since that bugger is gonna go study in Aus for some 4 yrs. drove down to Chomp Chomp area in Serangoon for our last supper.

so this morning i had to arrive at my camp, all the way at yewtee, by 7am. so as to prepare for the bunch of Nsmen to arrive for the briefing that we were supposed to give them. can u imagine the horror when i realised i misplaced my 11B at 6am in the morning!! gave keith a call and yeah, was pretty nice of him to pick up and tried to recall whether i brought it along with me for supper. i mean not that i actually fully trusted his half-asleep 6am mental capabilities. but nonetheless, i headed down back to serangoon at ard 6.30am(okay actually im deliberately typing out these timings so as to get used to not typing them in the 24hr format anymore), and combed the entire waste infested food center of chomp chomp. and of course the stalls dont open in the morning so i couldnt ask anyone about it.

and yes of course, i didnt manage to find it.

but yeah i followed by heading towards the 7-11 outlet where i bought bread for the house from last night, and by God's amazing, almighty, enduring, marvelous, astounding, and absolutely awesome grace, IT WAS THERE!!!! only that it wasn't exactly physically there, yet.

apparently i had left it there last night and the lady owner actually found it and brought it home. she would be coming to work after noon. gave them my phone number and asked her to contact me asap, as i needed it before i could enter another camp in the afternoon.

and she was kind enough to call me, and explain that she brought it home because she didnt want anyone to use my identity to like you know, do the stuff that i wouldnt do. okay im extremely grateful to her, and this post is also specifically to say, THANK YOU WHOEVER YOU ARE!!!

and so yes, i would be armed with my 11B, together with "the final countdown" and "time to say goodbye" in my ipod, ready to embrace the last working day of my ridiculously long NS life. that's if of course i dont lose it again before that.

on a side note, i actually locked the office up before i headed to another camp only to find out that i still had the key with me. yeah that means everyone else in the office cant go back in.. see, i shouldnt be given so much work!!

the beginnings of newer things.

2010-01-14T22:46:00.004+08:00

oh yeah, happy new year peeps!! yes not only is it the year of new beginnings, but its the year of freedom!

january hasnt been the friendliest of months so far for this workyear -see how army has ingrained in me that the year starts and ends at the turn of april. been having like 4-5 hr meetings per day for more than a week now, and so much deadlines to meet and all. in fact, i just returned home from camp some 20 mins ago at 10pm. to be honest, i initially out of my ugly self, had wanted to dedicate this entire blog post
to rants about how unfair it is that as a nsf 3 weeks from ording i should be staying at home and enjoying the life of what-is-to-be and have an understudy(of course which never came) to be handling all my work for me. but well i suppose in a way its quite good exposure and all, a slice of what is probably to come in the working adult life. and come on, it really isnt so bad. it's not like i don't get paid or anything right lol.

was pondering about the recent Haiti earthquake this morning though. my prayers go out to the survivors and the families of those that are lost or still missing. i thought about what a random nobody like me could do from the safety of geographical distance, and i thought about how blessed i was. to think just a couple of thoughts before i was in the sulks with self-pity about how the workload seems to suffocate the life out of me, and
that's what i have to worry about? seriously?

then, kari jobe's "we cry out" kept surfacing in my head.

"As dusk fell Wednesday, thousands of people gathered on blankets outside the crumpled presidential palace, including hundreds of women who waved their hands and sang hymns in a joyful, even defiant tone." -Yahoo news on Haiti quake: Survivors struggle while awaiting aid

So here it is Merry Christmas

2009-12-22T00:14:00.005+08:00

hello everybody. on my second week of leave so far, and i must say i think im doing rather well trying to avoid the malls and the bait of excessive spending. have to really start saving up if i ever wanna get anything done. or perhaps that's just a handy excuse that i bought myself with, convinced that i'm spending my time as fruitfully as i should.

managed to catch quite a few movies though, some which were sitting in my computer dying for attention since before my enlistment and some others from quite recent. oh and i just finished the whole series of Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg's Band of Brothers too. i must say its a really moving show, a nice blend between the heroism of war veterans and the harsh realities of war. watching it kinda made me miss all those times in OCS where we had those endless exercises and all, the late nights planning of missions, charging up the knulls, shouting our throats out to be heard over the barrage of gunfire. then like any other hotheaded 20 yr old i told myself i would certainly love to get a piece of combat experience and some stories for my own. but now come to think about it, war is indeed such a scary thing. towards the end of the series they had this concentration camp scene, which was both appalling and moving. makes one wonder what does the word 'death' and 'torture' actually meant to the people who endured their last moments in them.

and guess what arrived in my mail last friday?

yes lincoln brewsters' instructional DVDs! been searching for them via the local christian distributors for quite some time now, having many of them say that they aren't able to get the rights to distribute them. and since i'm a good and upright citizen who doesn't in any way support the industry of piracy, i ordered them from the states through his website. though i would say they are quite expensive and cost me around $90.

haven't got the time to open volume two yet, but had a considerable amount to take home from volume one. he covers some basics such as vibratos and string bendings, all the way to stuff like improvisation philosophy and a detailed breakdown of a couple of songs. managed to steal one or two licks of his but still got quite abit of practicing to do to justify my $90. That being said though, they kinda forgot my autographed poster!! wanted to write to them but figured i probably eventually throw it away anyway.

my sis is back too from taiwan. thank God she's safe and sound and not affected in any way by the earthquake. she mentioned they felt the tremors and all but thankfully that's about it. oh yeah i believe she's singing for this christmas service so be sure to drop by(haha right like that warrants a reason to).

and boy is it christmas already? this christmas seems like one of the least of christmas to me. in fact i didnt actually realise christmas was really happening till david mentioned that it was only 4 days away on the train yesterday. must be those endless calls and emails i've been receiving regarding work. yes SAF loves you to much to ignore you regardless of whether you're on leave, such a pity. or maybe i'm just too preoccupied with trying to occupy myself. things haven't really been smooth sailing in my family as well. found myself at the bitter end of things for numerous nights, nights with thoughts that i'm less than proud of.

So here it is merry Christmas
Everybody's having fun
Look to the future now
It's only just begun

You are my joy.

2009-12-13T00:31:00.002+08:00

I hear the Savior say,
"Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all."

* Refrain:
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim
I'll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calv'ry's Lamb.

And now complete in Him,
My robe, His righteousness,
Close sheltered ’neath His side,
I am divinely blest.

Lord, now indeed I find
Thy power, and Thine alone,
Can change the leper's spots
And melt the heart of stone.

When from my dying bed
My ransomed soul shall rise,
"Jesus died my soul to save,"
Shall rend the vaulted skies.

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I'll lay my trophies down,
All down at Jesus' feet.

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete
Jesus died my soul to save
My lips shall still repeat

Wakey! Wakey!: Brooklyn

2009-12-08T20:19:00.006+08:00

it's once in a while where u hear a new song and go, "gosh!! that's awesome music!! the style, song writing, and voice texture makes such a wonderful blend. why isn't he more famous than he already is!?"

and of course, he's using the piano..

http://www.myspace.com/wakeywakeymusic

check out Clinton St. Girl and War Sweater as well.

I know the signals of a straying heart.

2009-12-04T23:18:00.001+08:00

It's a shame, I know, but it all shakes out real slow
When the follies of your weekend hang like smoke onto your clothes.
And the shame of it grows when you whisper it nice and low.
But all the walls have ears my darling, and all bad things get known.
And I know about you. I know about you.

everyday i have the blues.

2009-11-28T00:06:00.004+08:00

yeah in case you're wondering, yup i passed my driving test!! yes which means i can officially drive. quite glad with the entire driving learning process. managed to get pass everything within a try, and perhaps not overdo the lessons as well. can't remember how many lessons i took though, didnt really keep track. anyway if u are looking for a patient, private manual instructor, pm me or smth i can pass u my instructor's contact.

and i sold my Fender Richie Kotzen Telecaster earlier this week as well.. gave it one last good clean and, very reluctantly tucked it away in my guitar bag to meet up the buyer. oh man i was half convinced i shouldnt be doing something so dumb. okay the buyer was a really nice malay guy though, had a good laugh and talk while he tested and checked the guitar. sold it for 1.7k, which was quite reasonable imo. he msg-ed me two days later and told me that he had waited years for a guitar like this, and it was absolutely magical. ahhh it only served to add to my heartache..! asked me out to jam one fine day as well, yeah probably would when i miss my old guitar.

so i initially wanted to get the Fender '52 Reissue Telecaster which i was eyeing last year. BUT! i didnt know Fender increased their prices by SO MUCH!!! i mean i knew they increased their prices but i never thought it did affect me, a mere nobody somewhere in singapore. but by 30%!!?? gosh Clarence Leonidas Fender must be rolling in his grave since he had intended fenders to be sold to aspiring guitarists without having to shoulder the burden of expensive guitars then. so the '52 reissue now costs 2.8k, which was a little too steep imo.

then came the Fender John Mayer Signature Stratocaster.. gosh if u have no idea/wanna know how it sounds, go load a John Mayer Live performance on youtube and check those that he plays with a strat. those Big Dippers pups are awesome..!! not to mention that its the only guitar in the world with them. but of course, costs 3.05k.

i was weighing it between the Fender Eric Johnson Signature Stratocaster though. deciding between the two which to go for. the JM strat seems to be very tailored for blues, in fact, to be EXCELLENT at it. the mid scoops the Big Dippers have really achieves that soothing blues tone that got my ears hooked. the EJ strat however, seemed to be a much more versatile guitar over all. i shant go into the details since it did bore most of you peeps(which i bet by now if u are still reading u probably are interested about guitars as well), but i decided to settle for the EJ strat in the end. BUT.. it costs 3.55k..

haha anyway, right now in my room lies the most awesome guitar every made to exist on earth(okay boutique guitar lovers dont shoot me), an FENDER ERIC JOHNSON SIGNATURE STRATOCASTER!! got a relatively good deal for a mint/literally brand new one from this guy i met online.

GOSH you have no idea how beautifully it sings, how more thought is put behind the craftmanship of it. the nitro finish, the 2-tone burst makes it such a beauty to behold as well. haha dude you've got to try it, and once u do, sell off every other strat u once played.

surprisingly never thought i did be a strat convert though. from an Epiphone '67 White Flying V(haha come on we all had out rocker-wannabe days), to a Squier Fat Telecaster, to a Fender Lite Ash Telecaster, and then a Fender Richie Kotzen Signature Telecaster.. i never thought that one day i would grow to love the strat more..

oh well, enough of tech talk for today. chao.

Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you that I can't.

2009-11-24T20:52:00.004+08:00

i know most people think that officers have it all. the slack life, free from all "sai-kang" (dirty laundry work), the good pay, the authority and rank to be above reproach. i don't deny that at least the last few bits are mostly true, and in fact my rank saved me from alot of unnecessary trouble a handful of times. but its times like today where all that seems so negligible when you try to be more than you're supposed to be.

i remember talking to my sergeant in bmt, told him how i didn't wanna go to command school cause i don't quite agree with the way SAF leads people. sure regimentation is all so important esp in a military organisation, but more often then not i find that shouting and barking out orders isnt the most effective way of doing things. maybe i had been in church for quite a while and too used to the all so comfortable correcting method, but i did have sort of a culture shock when i first enlisted. for wadeva reason and moral i stood by, i told myself then if i were ever to become a commander i would make sure i don't lead my men the way the system so very much encouraged. and would i be hypocritical to do so.

and its times like this that sort of make me regret not imposing and exerting my authority to the extent that which would make work so much more convenient and simple. such a fine line to thread between being a friend and being a superior. one false step to the left and u have work undone and having your words fall on deaf ears, yet a unplanned move you find your men thinking you're shoving your rank in their faces. the hardest part of it all is, we are all from the same batch, probably even schoolmates/classmates. all men have egos, and most don't like them bruised. if i wanted to pull my rank over you and adored your melodic voice greeting me 'sir' each time u see me, i would have made u do so from day one, i wouldn't have changed and gone to carry stores for you while u sit in office, and i certainly would not have covered for you guys when you all just magically awol-ed without so much as informing me.

as far as work is concerned, i certainly have to enforce it such that the work is completed. you don't just pretend it doesn't exist and wish it did magically disappear, at least i know that my head is on the line should anything happen or fail to deliver. i have to face the music not you, and yes ironically thanks to the rank i'm given. so yes, i would have to enforce authority to see that it is done, and if you may, "pull rank" over you. i just hope you come to see that its imperative of any working organisation to have a structure of discipline to achieve anything.

sigh. seriously, being an officer is more than a walk in the park.

who says i can't take time?

2009-11-23T00:43:00.001+08:00

Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak warfare.

heartbreak warfare.

2009-11-21T23:02:00.004+08:00

hello everyone. okay just a little update before it all leaves my mind for good. been wanting to post some stuff though, just always was too lazy when it boiled down to it. so lets see.. oh yeah. i got a new phone. yes a camera one cause i'm more than ready to embrace Feb 8(79 days btw).. okay actually it was more so cause i had to renew my plan and had a $100 voucher to use. and.. after much deliberation and intense consideration, i decided to get a HTC Touch Diamond 2!!

yes okay now u probably be throwing knives at my sheer stupidity that i didnt get a HTC Hero or Tattoo, or simply wait for the release of android phones but HEY come on considering i only paid $200 for a brand new touch diamond 2(after a promotion and my voucher) i say its rather worth it lah.. and i guess the phone's really smarter than me, of which would probably be reflected in my phone bill this month when i only realised after 2.5 hrs that some GPRS timer was up and running all along..

and also, the all-so-important meeting that i have been all so anticipating for over 6 months now finally took place on tuesday. yes my brigade is gonna have some movement, though it wont be anytime soon. i shant say much here, but im quite relieved that the meeting is finally over. people say as ord draws closer, work would start to die down. i seem to get busier and busier though. spend my every single moment in office on monday rushing the slides for the presentation/meeting on tuesday. it turned out quite okay though, and infact ended off with 2 LTCs(Lieutenant Colonels) and a Major trying to convince me to extent my ord by 6 months. you see i would ord before the movement occurs, as well as right before another wave of ICTS(which basically means work). haha well i cant say the 12.6k isnt enticing, its just that... i basically said "i will consider" lol.

oh yeah. im selling my Fender Richie Kotzen Signature Telecaster though. yes i know i didnt think that this day would come as well. its really a totally awesome guitar and not to mention, extremely beautiful and fine piece of craftmanship as well. its just that, i realised its not really the sound im after. learning blues now from some fella(who's seriously too good i find it hard to absorb at times), and this tele just isn't really the sound im looking for. yes of course there's also gas(gear acquisition syndrome) for a Fender '52 Reissue Telecaster, and i just cant afford to keep both!

okay so if you're interested, let me know and i can tell u more about the specs and perhaps work a deal or smth like that.

oh and did i mention john mayer's new album is just totally.. amazing.

And I watch as it pirouettes and spins in slow motion.

2009-11-07T00:53:00.001+08:00

we light fires we can't control;
conceited vacillant in it's orange glow.

the man who can't be moved.

2009-11-02T22:25:00.003+08:00

been a rather eventful week, those most of the past few days were spend with both my parents overseas. it also meant missing breakfast on most of the days either cause i overslept or simply am too lazy to fix something. out of the few changes there were one was the most significant, the onus was on me to account for my sister's well-being and safety. so imagine my horror when she phoned me and said, "eh i was robbed." oh yes, she was staying at my grandma's for the time-being.

okay i myself aint too sure about the actual details, as most of our subsequent telephone conversations was about me telling her i would go take her to make a police report with her pleading not too as she was too afraid. apparently she either dropped her wallet and some young guy behind her picked it up and ran off, or he might have picked it out of her pocket after bumping into her. yes that isn't robbery, thank God.

and she scared the living daylights out of me when she went uncontactable for a good 5 and a half hours, even my grandma wasnt at home to pick up her phone. plus it was the darn the heaven's cried and it was flooded everywhere. it was so so hard to focus on shepherd's meet while her phone kept going into voicemail. haha funny thing was she actually coaxed my grandma to take her home to get some stuff and "while we are here might as well" help her pack her room.

yeah and went for kim's 21st birthday party yesterday. yes incase you all bought in to whatever she said about samuel and i being so willing and volunteered to perform, and to "climb mountains" for her, let us first establish that she successfully conned both of us to do so some 7 days ago. "fine, i wont mind if samuel agrees." and "okay sure if shawn agrees.", actually turned out to me "samuel agrees." and "shawn agrees" to her lol. so that was how she successfully conned us into agreeing by telling us that the other had already agreed. okay if u are still following that is.

we did "how six songs collide", a medley made out of the 'collision of six songs'(duh) my norwegian recycling. the other items put up was awesome though. her dunman high cg did some cover of michael jackon's billy jean which really quite set the bar. haha that guy, wadeva his name is, can really sing. and then her friend(sheesh i forgot her name!) played the guitar and sang some song, and gosh she sings so awesomely! haha no seriously im wasnt smittened into a poor objective judgement but she seriously was good!! has that style and swagger in her voice, very much suited for the genre of the song. qianjin did 'the man who can't be moved' by the script, which i thought was a considerable effort for such a hard song, though just a tad too fast.

well anyway, quite a fun and memorable party overall i must say? got to meet up with some of the youth peeps whom i havent seen in a while, like finally hearing qianjin sing after like almost 2 yrs. haha back then it was almost every week during ministry time. yeah i guess its true you know. like what kim said, parties no doubt a chore to organise actually is a good time to be used to catch up with one another and foster old/new friendships. oh well. we'll see how i would wanna have my 21st then.

anyway, keith woo came by my place just hours ago to try out the threadless shirt sizes. he wants to order them but dont really know whether the sizes fits. haha yeah i know so yesterday right? lol anyway threadless is having some 2 day free-shipping sale so u might wanna check it out. haha after some deliberation and erm, much nervous moments i decided, that since both my parents were out, and the traffic is minimum at night, and i'm just so tempted and still way too young to die, i took my parents car out for a spin. haha first time driving an auto-car. i was actually quite surprised it moves by itself, yes i know lah that's what it means right. oh man the thrill of driving out onto the main road, without so much as even a triangle plate. haha i duno if it was nervousness, the adrenaline, the fear of getting caught behind the wheel of a mobile without a license, or a mixed emotion of anxiety and thrill that kept us laughing quite abit. and taking the route on the main road was really quite, erm an experience.

anyway, in case you're wondering my driving test is on the nov 26. hope i pass then and finally, OFFICIALLY get licensed. and guys.. 8 more days till 'ALTER THE ENDING'!!!

A change in the key feels like a change in the season.

2009-10-25T00:07:00.001+08:00

First it was oasis, now the honorary title as well!!??

sigh, there goes another of my fav bands.

"Friday Nov. 20th at the Williamsburgh Music Hall in Brooklyn NY, will be the final show for 'the honorary title', for those hard core fans who have followed the band you will know that the bands line ..."

the hongkong we all love.

2009-10-24T21:00:00.003+08:00

yes im back from hongkong, though very much hate the sad fact of it. though hongkong had really bad air(and smell) the weather wasnt as unforgiving as singapore's for sure. and besides, it felt totally awesome to be away from the the mundane work life and just to let go off everything and just go on a holiday for a while. yeah my first properly holiday overseas, not counting those trips for training purposes.

well, hongkong was every bit what i expected it to be. you know, from what you see on the television and stuff. and yet at the same time the trip was packed with erm.. a series of 'what!?' events(sorry i lack a better word). i probably wont be able to fit everything into one post should i have the urge to spell everything out but for memories sake i shall fill up as much as i can remember.

well for starters i kinda arrived at singapore airport with the wrong passport. well not exactly wrong as in someone else's, but just not my latest one. yeah i know dumb me. well singapore said it's fine to let me through since my passport aint expired yet, but apparently after arriving at hongkong i was barred entry. okay so the plan was to wait for ivan on the later flight to bring in my newer passport. seems like a perfectly sound and okay plan, just try to explain that to hongkong immigration officials who dont really understand english well, and to convince them you arent some illegal immigration or smth. okay so i waited a total of 5.5 hrs.. (yes sitting there). i got to see a fair bit of the immigration police at work. met all kinds of people in there, from bombay, mumbai, vietnam, thailand, china, india, america blah blah. all kinds of people on all kinds of business brought in. it was interesting to see the police interrogate them though, and how they really pay attention to the intricate details and all. sad to say though, i witness a fair bit of racism displayed by them, like refusing to point the toilet out to this indian man when its just some 10m away, even after 1.5 hrs..

oh well. basically the entire hongkong trip was one mad rush. at least the first two days felt like so. we've probably been to every mall known to exist in hongkong in the first two days alone. walked till our knees ached and feet blistered.

the hotel room's design is rather amusing though. you know the wall that usually separates the bathroom from the bedroom area? yeah this one's made of glass. those foggy glass kind, so while watching tv on your bed, you could very well glance over and watch the silhouette of your friend bathing haha.

the main problem was the communication barrier though. like everyone there mostly spoke cantonese and the main common language we used was mandarin. haha some even mistook us for being taiwanese/jap when we spoke english.

oh and the power of our 11B though. i think im gonna bring it as my ic even after i ord, everytime i go overseas. i remember there was this once after we left lang kwai feng(their clarke quay area) -hope i spelt it correctly- we got stopped by two policemen. yeah that area's quite notorious for triads and drugs apparently. they were about to probably take us back for further questioning till they saw the huge 'SINGAPORE ARMED FORCES' at the top of my 11B. then let us go when i told them we're in the army.

okay all in all spend close to 1k, excluding travel and accommodation. yeah i know its quite a bit but its mainly a shopping trip so i should be pardon. the prices there werent much cheaper than singapore anyway, just probably a little due to the non-existant tax. oh well.

there, i wrote it down.

waiting here.

2009-10-17T00:30:00.000+08:00

my heart is home, in Your courts oh Lord.
How i long for You.

trench warfare in my shoes.

2009-10-11T20:34:00.005+08:00

such a tiring week this was, except for the fact that it wasnt because i had any physical stuff or high-key event meetings of that sort. its more like im.. drugged(yes you heard me).

went to national skin center on tuesday for my first medical appointment regarding my foot rot. apparently there's a cooler name for it, trenched feet. yes you soldiers all over the world i know you feel my pain. its like the curse of infantry soldiers. so so so very difficult to get rid off. in case you all have no idea what's going on here, my once happy feet were abused and drowned in the treacherous waters of the brunei jungle for a good whole 9 days without a change of socks. what resulted was fungi that found my feet to be a prime location to have a street of 5-star hotels and shopping malls, and have since refused to recognise any other feet to be as cosy as mine. yes, its been there on my feet for almost a year now. occassionally it would itch but recently for wadeva reason they've gotten really itchy and erm.. nvm.

so anyway, the doctor gave me a new type of medication this time ard(im telling you by now i've known every single anti-fungi cream). so it was an anti-inflammatory with anti-microbial cream for external use on my feet, as well as an oral anti-fungus medication. okay basically you just need to know that the cream to be applied contains steriods, which would reduce the itch but on another hand, over application would cause the fungi to cultivate even more. so here comes the oral medication to help suppress such a situation.

here's the catch, there's ALOT of side effects to this oral medication, from getting sunburn easily, to feeling ridiculously fatigue for no apparent reason.

anyway, the next afternoon after taking the pill, a strange thing happened to me in office. it was like all of a sudden a thousand ants were in my boots at once, and both my feet felt so terribly inflamed and swollen. i ripped off my boots and socks to find both my feet bright red(for God knows why) and could barely walk without cringing in pain. i thought it was some allergic reaction to the medication, but thought otherwise since it took like a good whole 17 hrs for my body to show signs of it. i soon realise it was that the oral suppressant medication had worn off..

so basically im like living off the drug now, for a whole month!! so annoying how its just so tiring to drag yourself through the day, and can u believe it, i even felt breathless blowing a balloon for CG games and climbing across an overhead bridge lol. sheesh old age. haha good excuse to sleep more though.

and also two afternoons ago my sister cooked the first ever lunch for me. yes, from cracking the egg to lighting the store, it was 100% hers, which of course includes the ~~inedible~~ finished product(which erm, needs getting used to). armed with a cup of milk and a prayer against any possible liver failure, i tried to down her noodles as best as i could. haha and i ate every strand alright. but i really couldnt take her eggs. who on earth, fries the eggs with black sauce!? correct me if im wrong, shouldnt it always just be used as a "seasoning" only after frying it?? i took a small bite(out of kindness but mostly out of encouragement) and found my mouth swimming in oil. HAHA gosh i can still taste it in my month two days later. nvm lah right, we all start off with black eggs. she eventually threw them away after failing to persuade my dad or bro and (even herself) to have a mouth.

okay, one more week to HongKong. need some friendly advice here if you've been there before since none of us going knows how to speak a word of cantonese and erm decent mandarin. if you know where's the must go, and what nots. TELL ME!!

LIGHT UP THE WORLD.

2009-09-28T23:19:00.005+08:00

hello.

yes of course first of all i wanna thank the bulk of you for your birthday wishes, through face to face, the phone or via facebook(78 wishes on facebook wow). you guys really made the day any less ordinary and a.. birthday! so yes, thanks alot folks.

20 yeah shawn, the prime of our lives opens with this day..

okay actually the main point of this post is,

the new desperation band album; Light Up The World is very well written!! its quite amazing how every song actually seems to get me hooked, be it through the lyrics, melody or style of writing. they sound really different from hillsong though, and the songs weren't like exactly congregational pnw kind, but more like individual songs depicting a certain message/theme if i may? and imho they really brought the ambience element into christian songs to a whole new level. lots of layering and it seems like every single song the Jon Egan's mic has a permanent mix of reverb and subtle analog delay, sorta feels like you're drifting through God's presence in the song.

here's one of their singles..

GO GET IT NOW!!

The Fragrant Spirit of Life

2009-09-25T23:07:00.005+08:00

you do all things well.

2009-09-21T19:34:00.005+08:00

funny how on sat i was telling myself that im gonna focus and meditate on an aspect of God each day from that day onwards. i choose 'patience' for sunday, and sort of forgot about it today. i guess God doesnt put an expiration date to these promises.

such an eventful day today, though it didnt start off well. my dad and bro had a really big argument this morning, and you know dads, always go off and making it everyone elses problem.

went for men's conference after though. i must say im really glad i managed to make it. talked alot about the common problems men faces, and how we can address them. you know stuff which you wont usually share infront of sisters. yup seriously learnt quite abit and i must say the organising committee for the even did it quite well.

oh yeah and guess who was there, mingling amongst us and trying to get as many phone numbers as possible...?? PETER! remember that gay guy who once approached me and subsequently harrassed alot of other church brothers? you know that flyer guy working at somerset/orchard area!? okay incase u dont remember go read Oct 29, 2006. yeah i saw him at the reception while we were splitting into the different groups, being a little too "over-friendly" with some of the tertiary brothers, and a little too "touchy" at times. and then i saw him make his move and got a couple of phone numbers. guys by any chance if he approached you and you are reading this, pls dont pick up his calls!! unless of course u want a very traumatising once-in-a-liftime experience of entertaining a gay over the phone describing very explicit erm.. okay you know what, just dont pick up his calls. dont even know how he knew we were having men's conference today, probably got the info off some innocent dude on the way to church.

okay i really didnt know what to do, i mean u dont just chase people out of church right? and its not like SAF where there's RPs to do all such bouncer jobs. besides, maybe he really is here because of part of God's awesome design to speak into his life? and yeah he actually sat through the summary about lust and temptation lol. but i doubt that's as such, considering him keep trying to hit on the other guys after service.

went to play the 3rd and 4th placing at hpl after that. to be honest i was quite reluctant to go down, considering the late night pracs for vision night the past few evenings as well as two sessions of street soccer the past 4 days, and also since davin lost the bet that i would go down if man city won man united last night(awesome game btw). but okay, i went anyhow..

so the game started, i sub-ed in as the left back(hate playing backs seriously have no clue how to). and that's when trouble started. okay i intercepted a cross, got the ball, then cleared it forward. apparently this other guy on my team, thought i should have passed(to him?) instead and started shouting and hurling vulgarities at me. so i told him to chill it.. okay but maybe it sounded more like "dude what's your problem? must you speak like that!?" and then more vulgarities and from me a "dude, you better watch your mouth."

so i really got quite irritated/pissed with the certain someone. as i subed out he went "shawn, you wait; we'll settle this later!" anyway, cut the long story short, he confront me after and even threw his shirt at my face. i had very negative thoughts going through my mind and almost went after him in a fit of anger, and maybe would have if the others didnt come between us. but yeah i proud to say i didnt.

i heard after that that he kinda left church already and all so yeah.. im actually glad nothing further happened, cause i was quite sure if this was the past things would have been rather different. well at least my conscience is clear i suppose. fight free since 03 right(take that ted mosby lol). afterall, a certain baboon woman(hehe) once mentioned how ugly people get when they just get too focus on winning that they get into fights and all. and since im awesome i cant become ugly can i? haha. right.. i think i too home more from the soccer match than a 3rd place trophy today.

anyway, it was raining so heavily by the time i reached my house bus-stop. called home to see if my mom could bring an umbrella down for me, but my sis answered saying my mom was out. so i asked my sis to bring down an umbrella for me. she so very sweetly agreed without a moment of hesitation even though it was really pouring cats and dogs, and mind you the bus-stop is still quite a walk from my condo. and so there i was waiting while i spotted a little figure appear in the rain down the pathway, under the refuge of an open umbrella as well as struggling to hold another opened one in her hand. haha apparently she thinks its easier managing with two open umbrellas rather than one.

haha sis you're awesome really, turn my day sunny-side up in an instant. just dont keep pestering me to play Disney Monopoly with you, im just really sick of it..

long and eventful day, but i feel really blessed to be honest. cant stop counting it, esp today.

found in Your hands, fullness of joy.

2009-09-06T23:19:00.000+08:00

to be honest i was really quite pissed with my sis today. her little decision to take 1 hr just to eat a bowl of noodles(and she didnt even finish it) kinda screwed up my plans for the day, as i went down to wait for her so that she could have her choir practice and then send her back to my aunt's place at yishun.

nevermind about that. though i did feel quite bad when i scolded her, nearly bringing her to tears. i was talking to her on the bus on the journey to the condo. i remember asking her why does she wanna be a christian, partly to see what goes on through the mind of a 11 yr old when she makes such a decision, and partly to find out the reason behind her faith.

i guess all of us have different reasons on why we choose to serve God, why we go to church. some maybe fellowship, a sense of purpose, a grateful heart, or even maybe a free morning on sundays. i duno what your reason is, but i found mine some time ago during one of the QT nights. though many a times we challenge that reason, be it with the 'could haves' and 'what ifs', but each time looking at the 'what has been' i am fully convinced and sort of glad in a way only i probably understand.

had a good talk with bruce over dinner just now. haha thank God he stays so awesomely near to me, finding company for a meal is just 8 digits and 15 mins away. we shared about our own experiences with God and some decisions that were made, and shared our own reason. i was very encouraged to hear his story, and really questioned if i would have done the same if i were in his situation. i think maybe God let me have it easy. haha i duno.

and as i sat beside my sis on the bus to my aunt's place, hearing her share about why she wants to go to church now, it kinda all made sense for me. it made the many CGs i had to miss to take her to service, the missed plans, the rainy sunday morning sleep-ins, and the weaknesses that we have to endure of each other, all worth it.

i'm sure glad i found my reason.

and make me like you.

2009-09-04T21:14:00.003+08:00

You come like You promised You would
I want to surrender for good
I know that i need You
And i don't want to keep living life alone

So take my heart
and make it new
make it true
And make it like You
Take my hands
I lift them high
They're Yours not mine to do
Do what You will

I feel like a blind man in You sight
I know that i'm wicked in Your eyes
So wash me and make me shine like the sun
I want to tell everyone
that You're the only one

So take my heart
And make it new
Make it true
And make it like You
Take my hands
I lift them high
They're Yours not mine to do
Do what You will

I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
Do what You will

don't look back in anger, i heard you say.

2009-08-30T00:06:00.000+08:00

A STATEMENT FROM NOEL GALLAGHER

28 August 2009

"It's with some sadness and great relief to tell you that I quit Oasis tonight. People will write and say what they like, but I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer.

"Apologies to all the people who bought tickets for the shows in Paris, Konstanz and Milan."

Nooo!!! not Oasis!!!! such sad news really since i think this time its an official split..

Brave Souls.

2009-08-25T22:55:00.001+08:00

It’s not as easy as it seems, it’s not as easy as it looks,
But like a fish on a hook when you’ve got it, you’ve got it for good.

the God that bridges.

2009-08-23T23:55:00.002+08:00

finally my exercise is over. which means its just probably two more main events for me that i am aware of before i can bask in the bliss of ord-mood.

had dinner at my aunt's place today, havent meet them for i think a couple of months now. we were talking about stuff, like my sis going to church and all, you know the usual stuff. she of course asked me which church i was attending again and who were my pastors lol. i was smarter this time, i gave her the church's website and asked her to do her own digging lol. anyway something kinda struck me though. i think most of us christians would have perhaps one or two relatives that we know of or even siblings that are christians as well, but perhaps due to the awkwardness of theological discussions of "religious topics" in the family that most of us tend to not even bring about any hint of the mention of Christ. rather sad really, considering the missed opportunities of deeper conversations, encouragements and not to mention the amount of synergy that could very possibly work out something great. yeah the fear of changing things, awkward moments during CNY gatherings and all can be quite intimidating, but oh well, you just never know really.

anyway, i was listening to the hillsong hope album once again. i think hillsongs music did have quite a significant evolution, if you may. the hope album's rather old, year 2003? back in the days where joel houston and jad gillies were still hiding off somewhere and it was reuben morgan taking the stage with marty sampson and darlene zschech of course. u know the times of, 'still', 'highest', 'here i am to worship'. i think back then nigel hendroff actually did alot more fill ins, and i duno if its fair to say it seemed like they left alot more room for free worship. haha i know alot of you perhaps wont agree with that but i sorta feel that these days most of the interludes are a little too structured and all. like the riffs would be a little more, constructed? but yeah its a generalisation i suppose. go listen to 'highest' from the Hope album. u will get what i mean.

i think im guilty of taking God for granted, esp when it comes to pursuing the things that i want. stop and think shawn, much of it's a meaningless chase really.

NPD (New Pedal Day).

2009-08-17T21:56:00.001+08:00

finally, after the wait for forever. my new pedal is here, in my hands!! it's a long story on how i managed to coax it into my hands. pretty much like a historical moment. it was my first ebay bid/buy(my first overseas buy to be exact), my first pedal after a significantly long period of time, as well as my introduction to the world of fuzz.

it was quite an eventful time, since the seller decided to go awol on me for a good 5 days after i transfered him the S$215.70. when he finally replied, i had to wait another whole week before it supposedly arrived at my gate. the postman somehow managed to get into my condo without alerting us and since my doorbell is spoilt he couldnt reach anyone of us. and then, oh the horror, brought it back to the post office which i can only collect on a working day on working house. thank God for my mom though who kindly got it for me after a slight disagreement with the postal lady.

okay wadeva.. and now.. presenting to you.. all the way from some remote place in the deserts of australia.. my the latest toy?

a Cusack Screamer Fuzz v1

okay to be honest it wasnt really as awesome as i expected it to be, especially after listening to MGC and how he'd used it for all those edgey lead riffs, you know those overdriven solos with a little texture of fuzz. it wasnt as hmm.. wide? as i expected it to be, but largely due to the fact that i probably didnt have enough tweeking done to it. the overdrive(or scream they call it) kinda was a little like my ibanez ts808, with a greater low and less of a mid bump. the fuzz knob enables a really wide range, from smooth to rather aggressive. THOUGH, the volume knob gets ultra sensitive when the fuzz and overdrive is engaged. i nearly had my eardrums blew open when i plugged it in. overall though, im rather happy with the buy, bid, wadeva. it sorta adds a own flavour to the lead lines, and also maybe an excuse to play more weezer music.

now the sad part is, my boss ce-2 seems to have some issues again. this time it seems to be able to have its LED lighted up even without a power supply, though it seems to be true-bypass whether its on or off. sad gotta go get it looked at again.

the wonder of your love.

2009-08-11T22:50:00.000+08:00

today, sucked. such a bad day really. i was kind of expecting it to be really chaotic and messy, but no way to this extent. it's just so so mentally and emotionally taxing, i remember asking God how on earth am i supposed to find joy in a circumstance like this. i couldnt even have time to react. and the irony was that my boss was still explaining Murphy's Law at the start of his presentation to everyone. sheesh fine im stopping here.

so apparently my bag got locked up in the mess as well and the mess boy had gone home. so when i finally left camp and reached home, no one was at home and my keys were in my bag.. and it didnt make things any better when i tried to give my parents a call to like come open the door. ah nevermind. i dont want this post to go about being one which its just another complaining session.

okay so i ended up by the pool waiting for the world to spin by, and waited for melcher who very kindly agreed to go for dinner together(see i appreciate it) to come by. i suppose it was a vital moment for me, a good pause to the entire oh-so-i-cant-stand-it day. i seeked God. i ranted and complained, threw every ounce of emotion i had bottled up at God. then it seemed to all just, vanish. i wont say i felt instantly burden-free and all, but i found so much familiar comfort that's ever present when we choose to turn to God. okay fine, i suppose my life really isnt that bad right?

anyway, im in the midst of planning my ord trip. haha yeah awesome. come on anyone with experience planning an ~~backpacking trip~~ adventure of a lifetime!?

tonight i'll take what i can get.

2009-08-05T13:08:00.002+08:00

i havent been in here for a while(like i doubt anyone actually reads this site anyway). partly cause i was busy with my second ict and mobilisation exercise and also, partly because i dont feel inclined to? well work's just fine i suppose. the busiest time probably is over, now with just a few icts left and stuff.

and guess what? this entry's actually coming from camp. my first entry from camp how about that. yeah well it's another quiet rainy day in the office, of which im the only soul thanks to planned "unforseen circumstances".

i spoke to an old friend a couple of days ago, the first after like 4 years or so. he reminded me of a statement i made, or rather, a commitment of mine that a 4 years younger me once shared to him. i guess in an odd way i kinda admired the person who made that promise, because it certainly seems to take so much more now.

and i suppose i can say with confidence that my sis enjoys/is faithfully attending church now. just that she decided to be the next celine dion and signed up to join the choir ministry, which is a good thing mind you. just that it kinda means she would have to miss the bus and i would have to wait for her to be done to send her back. okay i wouldnt mind just that it kinda totally clashes with my own CG timing.

you know, i remember how it feels like not to have your parents there for you in your growing up days when you need them the most. i'm not saying physically but more of emotionally? and i remember how much i hated that. just a part of the past that im not really proud of, and part one of the cons of the way my parents brought us up. i duno if its a fair comment to pass but i suppose this would matter more for girls? my sis could surely use a little more guidance and encouragement esp since she's growing up so ridiculously fast. well hey i duno. at least as a brother i wanna be sure im there for her as best as i can?

and have i told you how funny barney from 'how i met your mother' is? oh man. totally epic!

Another girl in our world.

2009-07-24T22:52:00.003+08:00

She sat by the window, her head throbbing harder than before. The glass in front of her had been shattered and stained causing her view of the outside world to be almost unrecognizable. Despite the filth that covered the view she pressed her face against it, hoping to find a small crack where she might be able to see something besides the walls that surrounded her. Besides, nothing could make her feel any dirtier than the way she felt inside anymore. With no luck, she slumped her back against the wall again. These walls had grown painfully familiar. The room, barely big enough for her to stretch out her legs in full, had quickly become her prison cell.

She figured she should try and get a couple of minutes rest before her next customer arrived. After all, a few minutes break might be the longest she would get today. Closing her eyes, her mind started to drift. Memories of her life before this were so distant she could hardly remember. What seemed like a couple of years ago now, she had been engaged to be married. Her fiancée and her didn't have much but they were excited to start their new life together.
Hoping to be of assistance, her mother in law had heard of a job being offered in a restaurant just across the border and thought it would be a great idea for them to start their life off together with a bit of support on the side. Without hesitation she had jumped at the opportunity, knowing it may have been their only chance to release their family from poverty and maybe start her own one day. Before she knew it she was on her way to the border but instead of being meet by her new boss, she instead was meet by a group of large men who took her passport, beat her and threw her in the back of a truck. She couldn't remember much more of that day and since then life had just been a blur.

Before she could allow her mind to return any further she felt a hand grab her arm and yank her from her daze. Pulling her down the hallway, he shoved her into another room and sat her on a chair in the corner. A second man turned and approached her with a needle. Remembering this same experience previous times before, she turned, hoping to find a route of escape. But it seemed that prior to her even having the thought, the man had already perceived her actions and held her down. His hands on her shoulders were ice-cold, the strength in his grip almost unbearable. She felt as though his hold was about to break a bone... again... and then she felt it, the painful jab in her arm causing her to both sweat and feel cold at the same time. She could feel the reflux rise in her throat but did her best to hold it down.

As soon as it was over, she was dragged back to her room and the next man was sent in. He smiled, turned toward her and pushed her up against the wall. She was exhausted, but knew if she didn't perform and give him what he wanted she would suffer even more later on.

By the time he was through she wanted to cry but the fear of showing any emotion held her back. Each one was the same, nothing made it any easier. Even after all this time she still felt the pain that came as each customer paid their fee, walked in and walked out without a second thought. The only idea that keep her going was the dream that maybe one day someone would hear her story. Maybe someone would care enough to stand up against this. Maybe someone would rescue her...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

then we have us.

and we all live on the same planet.

the old will go; and the new shall come.

2009-07-17T23:56:00.003+08:00

okay, since i promised(was coaxed by)a slit-eyed elephant on the grounds of "cause you're so forgetful" and compassion for "animals with reduced peripheral vision" that i would be diligent and focus, im gonna try my ~~best~~ very best to write down, or at least blog down on what God spoke to me through out the day, or simply just QT points for the day.

"With one sacrifice he made perfect forever those who are being made holy" - Hebrews 10:14

probably something which most of you have heard already, or perhaps have even sat through a teaching about it before. a great part of it made sense to me today though(God's wake up call?). i think an english teacher would probably frown upon Hebrews 10:14, not due to the content but from the blending of tenses(i was yet highly intrigued). i remember reading it a few times trying to capture the essence of what it meant.

Yet though the work of Christ is finished for the sinner, it is not yet finished in the sinner. - Donald G. Bloesch

What God did on that cross tends to sometimes be a little undermined dont you think? most of the time(at least for me) it is "oh the sacrifice on the cross? that's where Christ paid for our sins, once and for all." but it is so much more than that isnt it? What Christ did on that cross goes far beyond what He did for us, but also encompasses what He begins to do in us.

Positional sanctification: We are saved simply by knowing God(and what he did on that cross) for us.
Progressive sanctification: We are an ongoing work of the Holy Spirit. not working to save us; that which is already done, but working to change us.

Positional sanctification comes because of Christ's work for us.
Progressive sanctification comes because of Christ's work in us.

now this is the part that really struck me. i suppose many of us are perhaps guilty of leaning towards one aspect over the other. as for me it seemed like sometimes i seem to forget that of the later. perhaps feeling so saved that i dont serve as best i know i could? and so how can one's relationship with God mature compared to the day before if we don't see Christ working in us?

don't get me wrong though, im not saying we serve God so as to be saved; but rather serving God as a result of being saved. The mistakes that we make are lost in the perfection that hung on the cross, that's a done deal. but it's where we go from there/whom we head towards, that makes a christian Christ-like.

actually to be honest im quite glad i ~~penned~~fine, typed it out. it kinda brought things into perspective i suppose, and gave me a clearer picture. so.. try it?

i guess having slit-eyes dont warrant a narrow vision after all lol.

the invisible children.

2009-07-05T20:07:00.006+08:00

take some time to watch this? it's moved me beyond emotions.

i'm learning to fall.

2009-06-23T23:32:00.003+08:00

okay my ICT ended, last friday. and i must say it really wasnt the most pleasant experience at all. i got scolded quite badly by a Major on thursday, for some stuff that i should've known/done. its the classic case of not knowing what u have to know, and getting scolded for it. since my boss was away and i had no upper study, i figured there was no way i could have known i must do this/that. i cant possibly ask everyone every 5 mins "is there something that i must know, or do now?" can i?

oh well. as annoyed and unjust i felt over what had happened the entire week, i was really actually much more exhausted then i thought. both mentally and emotionally. it had drained every ounce of me and i just felt like melting down and disappearing right there in my office. it was really obvious right there that no matter how hard i try, no matter the precautions i took, regardless of going through the whole process in my head, i couldnt do it by myself. it was also really obvious to me on how much have i relied on my own strength, or rather how little have i actually relied on God. it was really kinda sad that throughout the entire week i had never once stopped to wait and seek on God, before rushing to meet the next deadline and to fight the next fire. and now yet here i am getting frustrated over feeling so exhausted and spent.

perhaps there really isnt an element of faith in chasing deadlines and making proposals happen as compared to the way we do ministry back in school, but God it's still another phase of life. a phase where i dont wanna go through it without Your direction and guidance, and certainly not a phase i wanna go through alone. teach me to seek You, help me to rely on You.

i was reliant on myself, but God helped me overcome.

"So now You'll find me on my knees, surrendering,
Cause I know that I'm really not so strong.
And now, I'm done fighting for control,
Lord, You can have this life that I've been holding for so long.

Take me as an offering, I surrender everything.
No more living without You."

Herpes Zoster and me

2009-06-18T00:02:00.002+08:00

the commoners call it 'shingles', and the cooler kids(like the docs and i) call it 'herpes zoster'. that's the name of the virus that's living in my body right now. it causes rashes over a region of the body and eats away the myelin sheath(remember sec 4 bio, schwann cell?) and causes the exposed neurons to contact one another, kinda like two exposed wires touching each other in a short circuit, to generate these stabs of pain. and since the infection rate ranges from 1.2 to 3.4 cases per 1,000 healthy individuals annually, it feels quite special isnt it? right.

it all started last week when i had this sharp acute pain that came in stabs near my left pubic bone region, which i thought i had some bladder stone or smth like that. then the pain moved to the left rectus abdominis(abs region), which then lead me to think i pulled a muscle or smth like that, and so laid off exercise for a while. the pain was really getting annoying though which then i thought maybe its just gastric.

then yesterday it moved up to my left temple, and left it throbbing all afternoon. it was really getting too biting and so i headed for bed early, thinking im just too stressed over the ICT thats all.

AND THEN, today it moved into my LEFT EAR. gosh i seriously thought my left ear was gonna explode. the entire time about every 5 seconds i did feel a stab of pressure inside my left ear, and then soon enough i started having a partial hearing loss.

yeah anyway im glad i decided to see the doctor, which i was quite reluctant to do so as im still in the middle of this ridiculously busy In-camp training(ict). and apparently those rashes on my left arm and back arent dude to an allergic reaction to the new uniform but due to the herpes zoster virus in my body. the total medical bill came up to $100 though, which kinda left me feeling rather stupid i didnt just see a government doctor for this which i could have gotten the entire fee wavered since im a civil servant. the thing is i didnt really wanna take an mc at least not this week. oh well thank God i still have my sight and hearing, which im told this virus is capable of destroying.

ah anyway, im already more than halfway through this ICT, but with two really busy days ahead. come on friday come quick, im just so very exhausted alr.

the painful things that matter.

2009-06-09T22:56:00.004+08:00

sometimes, these bad times and regretful circumstances are just as important as they are unavoidable. its those events that occurs in order to bring about a change in someone, to make someone snap or to jolt one into reality. i guess as we journey through life we see and value the significance behind the pain and hurt caused and how it leads to the person we behold before us, whether or not we agree with his or her actions.

i met my ex tuition teacher today, on my way to dinner(yes someone took forever i gave up waiting). quite a coincidence i suppose since i almost never meet him(he since moved near me) and have dinner alone at 10pm. we went for dinner together, and we had a good time catching up. he was sharing with me on how God saved him from the crosshairs of the twisted game of corruption, that could have fatally landed him in trouble with the law. i must say im really glad for how things turned out for him, and of course happy that he found his way to God and through God. he shared how he finds more freedom and joy in his life now and was glad he stood by his principles.

maybe it wasnt meant to be, or perhaps this time, it was meant not to be.

in the belly of the beasts.

2009-06-04T23:06:00.003+08:00

you know how defeated you are when you stop trying. you're better than the next time and broken promises, and you certainly don't warrant resignations. so don't tell me how murphy's hand spins the wheel of fate, cause you're better than this. the word fate is used by people who lost sight of who they are.

you can never be who you wanna be if you keep looking over your shoulder to what could have been. earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.

lie in the sound.

2009-05-27T22:46:00.004+08:00

the other day i was saying if there was someone posting that fender richie kotzen signature telecaster for sale, its an obvious sign that im meant to buy it. haha okay i only said it cause i really liked it and it seems like hardly anyone in singapore has it, much less would sell it. and then lo-and-behold, some guy posted it up to sell just a min before!! he priced it at 1.9k though(first hand's around 2.4k).

obviously i didnt buy it cause im really careful and cautious with my spendings since im really responsible with my money, so only when he priced it at 1.5k, did i jumped at it!

so here you go, my latest and 5th guitar, a fender richie kotzen signature telecaster!!

i doubt i would ever sell this, but i still intend to sell my fender lite ash telecaster though. any takers?

anyway i took my sister to watch night in the museum 2 on sunday. haha really embarrassing cause the stupid counter didnt accept nets and i had spend almost every dollar in my wallet. so my sis ended up having to contribute $5 to (her own) tickets, and was lecturing me infront of the cashier girl how disastrous it would have been if i had taken a girl out instead of her. i swear she has the least tact when it comes to embarrassing me.

and i totally forgot about the existence of children tickets, and ended up buying two adult ones instead. but okay well, the show was erm.. okay? didnt watch the first one though so cant really compare. oh well. it seems like hardly anything's really reaching out to me except the in-camp training for one of my brigades in 3 weeks time. so so many things to settle its literally squeezing the life outta me.

remember me as a time of day.

2009-05-20T23:05:00.004+08:00

"take a look at yourself in the mirror, who do you see looking back? is it the person you wanna be? or is there someone else you were meant to be, the person you should've been, but fell short of.

is someone telling you you can't or you won't? cause you can. believe that love is out there. believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do.

sometimes happiness doesn't come from money, or fame, or power. sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family, and from the quiet nobility of leading a good life.

believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do. so take a look in that mirror and remind yourself to be happy, because you deserve to be. believe that. and believe that dreams come true everyday." - One Tree Hill.

there you have it another season finale. i think this quote's rather thought provoking though. like how we always try to attempt to be what God created us to, always trying to reach our fullest capacity. and in doing so we take a hiatus and reality check, wondering the worth of what we're chasing and devoting our lives to.

oh God i don't wanna get lost in the chase, remind me of ~~what~~ Who i'm living for.

why we believe what we believe.

2009-05-19T20:12:00.001+08:00

seems like there's scientific evidence for speaking in tongues after all. quite an interested read actually.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/07/health/07brain.html

yeah i know i didnt link it, my blog seems to have issues!

killing your number.

2009-05-18T23:05:00.002+08:00

i just watched the last episode of prison break. no not season finale but series finale. okay i shan't post any spoilers here but it's really quite sad the series ended. it actually has wit to it? oh well.

and one tree hill better not end anytime soon.

you overcame.

2009-05-17T20:43:00.007+08:00

the sharpest lives.

2009-05-14T00:47:00.003+08:00

apparently a little boy staying in my condo(only one block)got lured/forced into the swimming pool toilet and got molested by some grown man today. the police came and all but are without suspects or even knowledge if the molester is someone from our condo.

seriously!!? could a man be anymore deprived?

that's it. i'm grounding my sis. no going downstairs alone anymore.

and if you take your chance on me, i'll give you what you're looking for.

2009-05-10T23:17:00.002+08:00

take a good look around you
and i'm sure that you are bound to
think that all you have comes down to you and what you've done
if you look far beyond this
there's a life i hope you don't miss
what has kept you from moving on
is learning to let go

and there's so much more, than what you're looking for.

caught up in yourself
call it like it is
well, you're so good
but who is ever good enough?

you think if you surrender
it's the end, but just remember,
life is more than dying embers
burning in your soul

and i know it's true
cause i am just like you

Thank God for mercy
Thank God for His grace
Thank God for everything you've got
before it's too late

and there's so much more
than what you're looking for

and there's so much more
than what we're fighting for, dad.

the other side of the world.

2009-05-09T22:49:00.003+08:00

today's kinda a really unfriendly day. or so it seems that everyone's so edgy today. i witness something really disconsolate and sad(i lack a better word)on the bus after service to serangoon. okay basically the bus was rather packed and crowded so most people had to like squeeze and weave in and out to get to the doors and seats.

so basically there was this lady who alighted from her seat next to the window, leaving this girl of around tertiary age siting on the 2-seater seat alone on the outer side. of course now the seat beside her was empty. well yeah i suppose she should have moved in so that people could take the outer seat in the name of convenience. but of course she didnt and she continued using her phone oblivious to the packed bus.

then here comes this 60+ chinese man with his grand-daughter(probably like primary 2?) who looked really pissed as he approached the empty seat. so he gestured that he wanted to sit down so the girl shifts in so he could conveniently have the outer seat. and guess what? he starts his onslaught of profanities directed at the girl. first of all he starts by going like, "why, young people these days, are bloody selfish. one person takes two seats, when everyone else has to squeeze on the bus." of course he says it loud enough to embarrass the girl.

fine well maybe he's old and weathered the storms. maybe he had a bad day and the heat of the day made him really agitated. no excuse for he did after though. THEN, he goes on and calls her a "bitch", "bastard", "hooligan", "idiot" and other really offensive words, structuring his sentences like "only a _____ would take up two seats when the bus is so crowded!" all this time the girl beside him kept mum and carried on using her phone, probably overwhelmed by guilt and embarrassment, or perhaps out of respect for the elderly man. and she started crying after sometime but the man just kept going on and on.

you know what really pains me? was how he used his grand-daughter as an excuse for his baggage of insults. cause all these while he wasnt scolding the girl directly, but passing those offensive statements hinting at the girl in a pretense of a conversation or "big wise granddad advice" his grand-daughter. he was telling his lower pri kid stuff like, "you know what a bastard is!? its someone who hogs two seats in a crowded bus! that's a bastard."

i felt terribly sorry for the little girl, who ended up tearing probably in embarrassment of the whole bus looking at them. and he just yaked and yaked and went on and on teaching her what a "bastard" and "bitch" is.

and nicholas who was sitting in a seat infront of the man and girl couldnt take it anymore and turned around and tried to reason with the man. only to cause him to become more agitated (or perhaps happy that actually someone was entertaining his bickering) so he raised his voice and profanities even louder. the two girls were like totally embarrassed at this point in time. and yeah well the old man just couldnt seem to see reason. jiehui then stepped in tried to calm things down, and reasoned with the old man in mandarin, which helped actually. he was saying like how he doesnt have to raise his voice and in doing so scare his grand-daughter and stuff.

basically it ended with the girl alighting, closing the floodgates of nonsense. ah seriously, why do these old folks have to create such a fuss. i mean sure you wanna make a point but cant you do it with some respect for others and yourself, and not go ahead and degrade someone and hurt your own grandkid just out of selfish pride and arrogance.

right i shouldnt go on this is really frustrating.

yeah anyway i finally played soccer with my sec sch friends, people whom i used to hang around with every single day in sch. it was like a bunch of random people bonded together by the same love for soccer. FINALLY got to play together again after like 4 over years?? had a good time catching up about the silly things we did and talking about our team. who used to play at which position and what he was doing on in his life.

okay i realised we dont even have a proper picture, this old one would be the closest to it.

haha but those jokers almost got into a fight with some vietnamese people. some things just never seem to change.. and i met this guy who looked really familiar. some random guy who's been playing soccer at the court EVERY NIGHT since our lower sec days. haha that's like some 6-7 yrs. yeah and he too almost fought with one of the vietnamese men.

ahh right. quite an unpleasant day but i thought service was rather refreshing. worship was good, not so much in terms of music but more in terms of spirit.

God, come heal a world so broken.

every soul has the same need.

2009-05-02T22:47:00.003+08:00

"worship and the pursuit of justice actually have to work together for them to have integrity. the one cannot and should not be done healthily unless the other one is side be side. its what makes the church a church; the church is not worshipping if justice is not part of the church."

"people aren't so different as we think. cultures are different but people aren't so different. every soul has the same need and every person wants to feel valued, loved, significant, and have dignity."

the sun will shine for you.

2009-04-30T21:31:00.003+08:00

and i passed my btt(basic theory test)! lol i would like to say that i DID study for it. i felt so sad and deprived reading through the book, and what made it more agonising was i seemed to be reading it really slowly. i think i lost wadeva concentration ability i once had, it was a total chore just memorising those bus lane timings(which didnt come out sadly). i wonder how one survives uni.

and i bumped into an old friend today, one who had awol-ed for over a year. i dont suppose you would be reading this but you better turn yourself in and stop ps-ing after monday! and you owe all of us lunch.

nothing much happened lately, except how my sis' becoming some young entrepreneur, together with my mom on their little sales expenditure. they kinda made like flowers and all with beads and stuff(which turned out surprisingly nice) and been selling them online and at flea markets. yeah she actually created a blog to sell those stuff and made like $40+ alr. haha bright little kid eh? yeah of course she's my sister.

and apart from the fact that i ripped off my pull-up bar, and trying to kill a cockroach by batting it with a newspaper, only to send it flying towards my mom upon impact releasing a catastrophic jump and scream.

ah, its a beautiful week.

anyone, anyone.

2009-04-28T23:32:00.001+08:00

Get a little anxious
Sometimes you'll be gone and I'll be left behind
Get a little nervous
Sometimes it'll be my cue and I'll forget my lines
Get a little lost look
And some staring from the corner of my eye
Never really mastered disinterest

All the way my savior leads me.

2009-04-20T01:05:00.000+08:00

All the way my Savior leads me
Who have I to ask beside
How could I doubt His tender mercy
Who through life has been my guide

All the way my Savior leads me
Cheers each winding path I tread
Gives me grace for every trial
Feeds me with the living Bread

You lead me and keep me from falling
You carry me close to Your heart
And surely Your goodness and mercy will follow me

All the way my Savior leads me
O, the fullness of His love
O, the sureness of His promise
In the triumph of His blood
And when my spirit clothed immortal
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages
Jesus led me all the way
Jesus led me all the way

All the way my Savior leads me
All the way my Savior leads me

i believe in clean breaks.

2009-04-19T01:42:00.003+08:00

i was young and little, and i believed in the tooth fairy. i remember how i used to get really excited when i found a tooth to be shaky. i would constantly and subtly use my tongue, to coax it into deracination. i found it rather suspicious at first, like would this fairy know i had a missing tooth? would she know to look under my pillow for it? and then reward/comfort me with a penny?

well like every other naive innocent kid i prized my first tooth, washed it and packed the treasured tooth into a piece of tissue, then tucked it nicely under my pillow. i prayed to God asking Him to remind the tooth fairy of my mark to adulthood, and tried to "catch the tooth fairy in action" through half-closed eyes disguised with my sleepy face. i imagined her flying through the window grills and coming up close to my face. well of course, i couldn't stay awake and eventually fell off to sleep.

and the next morning i opened my eyes and recalled my major-league plan. took a deep breath and pried the pillow out from under my head. lo and behold i found a really shiny twenty cent coin. i cant really remember if the tooth was still there but i recall running around the house telling the world how i made my twenty cents as though i had just stumbled upon a million dollar career. i remember thinking if the incisors could fetch twenty cents, the molars would have earned me a fortune. i felt like the luckiest kid in the world.

the tooth fairy however, seemed to be a little unfaithful in time to come, only occasionally remembering to reward me for my martyrdom to bring her the sacrifice. and in time to come, she forgot about me altogether. and in time to come, i moved on to being facinated about bigger things; like how santa claus could actually come into my house to place a present at my christmas tree in the living room when my house had no chimney. my mom told me santa claus used the main door, and how she unlocked the gate to let her in. and how i was in utter disbelief on how she could not have thought of waking me up so that i could meet santa myself.

don't you remember the times when you were a kid? times where everything was so simple and innocent, so mysterious and enticing. times where you believed that you could fly if u willed yourself hard enough to.

i guess its what we grown-ups(?) like to cite as child-like faith. something we were all once capable off but seem to have become too sophiscated for. aren't we still children in God's eyes? yes we may have grown up, weathered the storms and bagged a reputable catch of experiences, but some things doesn't change does it? our faith in God acclaims independently from our situations and fixes. our faith in God is more than capable of being child-like.

i say we rid ourselves from the suit and tie, shed the image of a "weathered-man". God deserves a faith more authentic and capitulate.

and i still deserve to know how my mom put those coins under my pillow without me knowing.

do what you do.

2009-04-13T01:00:00.006+08:00

but that's what i get for taking it for granted;
i never even meant it.

if i gave up on it, can i catch myself?

creeping up in silence on the battle scene.

2009-04-07T22:47:00.003+08:00

on a happier note, my sis made it to the nationals after apparently trashing her opponent today at the zone finals for table-tennis. haha im real proud of you sis. maybe if when she gets into finals and i shall apply for leave to watch her play.

because in our family we dont just win, we kick butts!

some things we don't talk about.

2009-04-05T22:27:00.005+08:00

i keep this blog for memories' sake. i keep it so that some time down the road i can look back and remember what happened, my thoughts on that day, and ultimately who i was. i duno maybe recently it feels like nothings really worth remembering or jotting down. in fact some events i rather not remember at all.

now with the spare time i have since i get to stay out, there's a few things that i've been ~~wanting~~ needing to come to terms with. things that i need to put behind me before i make any decisions or commit to anything. because sometimes i rather live with "what could have been"s rather than face the disappointment of failed expectations and the vanity of sacrifices.

i know its being really selfish, but hey everyone has their own demons.

i guess it's time i faced mine.

to lead, to excel, to overcome.

2009-03-23T23:50:00.002+08:00

and.. I COMMISSIONED!!! yeah after a whole 9 months of ups and downs, jungles, mud, sweat, mosquitoes, blood, more mud, thorns, dirt, blah blah blah its all over. haha yeah fine im not as(was rather) caught up in the euphoria of it all, as compared to feeling the sadness and emotional attachment in leaving ocs. the place where i had my highest and lowest points in my life till day. how could you ever forget the fire trench, the endless navigations, the cruelity and harshness of the brunei jungles, the scorching heat and ridiculous temperatures of thailand, the thrill of taking a chopper and assault boats to storm up a beach. the countless amount of times we charged up and down a mountain only to keep falling and slipping and almost breaking bones all over and getting cut and grazed by thorns..

okay i shall end it there. OCS has certainly changed my perspective of quite alot of things i suppose. and yeah, this commissioning parade closes a memorable chapter of my life, yet opens the book for another.

oh well got posted to 6 Div as an ops training officer which sounds like alot alot of planning to do.

anyway the pictures are up on facebook.

accept it and let it scream back at you.

2009-03-01T23:21:00.002+08:00

seems so long since i've last been here. well it was basically just an entire february. had quite a bit going on. like how i was made the exercise platoon commander for ex. panther, which was basically the last exercise to sum up the entire OCS term. quite interesting really, involved taking a chopper, assault boats and finally an attack on a town. it wasnt easy really, many many hours of planning and late nights to craft out the orders and attack plan, only to have it deemed irrelevant since the company orders were constantly being edited. to make matters worse, commander, chief instructor and all those big shots were gonna come down to witness the attack, so they kinda wanted it to be flawless. speaking of which i must say im really grateful to my team for staying up with me to do the orders, even though i know each and everyone of them was really exhausted.

and in all the entire event went by, and yeah i guess taking the helicopter was really a heck of an experience. oh yeah, and my fieldpack strap broke halfway through the navigation phase due to the weight and salt from the sea water. so i basically had to sling it over my left shoulder while i held on with one hand onto the right strap, with the other hand holding my rifle and somehow reading my map to navigate at the same time.

oh well quite a bit happened that's probably irrelevant to have it mentioned here. i guess through it all i came to realise bits and pieces of me that i never knew, both in a good and bad way.

on a side note, its now just 3 weeks to commissioning. we had our first parade rehearsal last sat, and well let's just say i really hate drills. cant imagine what defaulter's parade would be like this sat. Platoon assault course(PAC)'s being postponed to this week too, in light of the fever outbreak across the wing last week. like we had more than 9 cases of high fever in my platoon alone, of which 6 had to be send home over a span of two days. well i hope they see that soldiers need rest.

and i dont like the way things turned out. i would say i've been rather confused over the past few weeks now, between the things that happened and the things that should. the best part is, there isnt a thing i can do about it.

a thousand miles for a thousand smiles.

2009-01-24T22:39:00.002+08:00

well im back from thailand. though i dont feel as elated as i did when i was back from brunei, its always still comforting to sleep in your own bed with a bolster. hmm, thailand was well, really desert like. that place really needs more clouds, or rather, needs some clouds. the lack of which resulted in weather extremes, with the day really scorching hot and the nights freezing, and i mean it in every sense of the word, freezing cold(winter period). the nights were really painfully cold, esp when you're up at some mountain top armed with nothing but the winter jacket they provided(which was mroe like a wind-breaker actually). if im not wrong the coldest it actually reached was ard 6 degrees.

and the weather was really dry, which made even smiling really painful. lips cracked, noses bled. but that being said the weather was awesome for training, as we hardly ever prespire.

the ex red beret before the main stretch of exercises was something to remember. it was a two day one night navigation ard kanchanaburi region to get used to the terrain and weather, and also to recognise the various landmarks and mountains there. and lo and behold some one decided to be smart and made us carry our usual field pack load ON TOP of our water supply, sleeping bag, winter jacket and ammunition. the result was the heaviest load we had to bear so far. and the best part was the 25km distance which we were "supposed" to cover during the brief turned out to be some 50km++. oh well it wasnt that bad an experience though, and the night sky was stunningly beautiful with stars planted at every square inch of the sky, coupled with the silhouettes of the mountains was breath-taking.

oh well nothing much except maybe for the fact that our objectives were caught in the forest fire twice while we were there and the term 'fire-moment' took on a whole new definition. my comm scot and bell and wadeva was burned down and erm well i nearly broke both legs after a plunge off a cliff in the dark during the ex finale dusk attack. some interaction with the local populace and some cip thing with one of the school's there. yeah well basically no point penning it all down since u wont really get the whole picture unless u were there. so yeah.

well thailand is really quite a beautiful place after all. oh well, no more overseas training at least for now.

all over again.

2009-01-04T15:54:00.002+08:00

okay i did be off to thailand for training (ex crescendo) in about an hour's time. be back on the 24th of jan.

till then.

same old drag.

2009-01-03T02:13:00.002+08:00

tough training;
tough times.

even tougher God.

you can sit beside me when the world comes down.

2008-12-28T19:13:00.002+08:00

yeah okay. here we are, the last week of 2008. well nothing much really happened, just that last last week we had our block leave, of which i went on my guitar gear shopping spree and set myself back by $900. bought a couple of stompboxes(pedals). a Keeley Mod Boss BD-2, Fulltone v4 OCD, Boss DD-5, FS-5U, EHx Nano Clone and a proel pfs-22(which kind of was a total waste of money). okay yeah to the vast majority the previous sentence just did not make any sense, but basically pedals are stuff that changes the tone of the e. guitar sound that is produced.

and Christmas came and went by, managed to book out in time to fly straight down for Christmas service but was still a little late. finally a service after ard 2 months. well really sorry i aint managed to write any Christmas cards cause i only realised Christmas was so near like on the 20th. and out of the 5 days left 3 days were spend outfield for ex dump-in, which left the remaining days for stores, weapon maintence and well orders.

ah goodbye 2008. been a really long year in more ways than one.

Dress your wounds. Test your strength. Face the nights.

2008-12-09T00:01:00.002+08:00

yeah im back from brunei, back from jcc and im glad and definitely proud enough to say that i wear that badge proudly above my left breast pocket now. apart from losing 7 kg in the 9 days, im also covered from head to toe all over with these insane amount of sandfly bites i look like a homeless std victim. and the quantity from tube of cream the doc gave me only permitted its usage twice. my feet all cracked and cut up from the many torturous hours stumbling ard in the two swimming pool boots of mud and water. and i have all these little cuts all over from the thorns of various creepers and plants i feel so, torn.

i dont think i would wanna go indept into the details of the entire jcc process but well, it was really 9 days i wont forget i suppose. i never felt so beaten, defeated, anguished, wasted, lost, homesick, depressed and every feeling that comes close to bringing justice to the absolute annul we all felt, especially on the 5 and 6 day where we were totally lost and disorientated with almost no water left, stranded at the downward side of the mountain. and there was rain and more rain. the nights were the longest, and the coldest. with the onslaught of sandflies and all, sleep was really literally painful, slow and very wet.

on the night before jcc itself, they passed us letters from our families back in singapore, most of which contained encouragements and pictures of all sorts to spur us and motivate us to press on for the next 9 days. i must say i was really encouraged by it, it being a first for me. it was the first time my parents wrote me a letter, as with many others that night. and yes you have no idea the impact and significance those seemingly unadorned and simple words could bring you when you're at rock bottom dragging yourself along only with a stubborn saneless will. so many times you feel like breaking down but pull yourself together knowing that it wont solve a thing, and the letters from further away keep pulling you close to home, something to cushion the callous sighs.

out of my group of 10, 2 fell out (cause of a sprained ankle and an almost truncated left thumb), 4 failed (very largely due to the fact of lack of time for ex forager and overly bitchy assessors.) and 4 passed. i would say my group went through perhaps alot more than what was required of the jcc itself, considering the amount of extra knolls and ravines we had to overcome given the fact we lost our way so many times. ay oh well. hope they give us our block leave next week. and then the two weeks of training before we fly off to thailand this time, for yet another 3 weeks.

over the hills and far away.

2008-11-17T23:44:00.004+08:00

so here we go. some 24 hrs later we would be falling in and making our way over the brunei training facility and ultimately, to the brunei jungles and up the mountains. probably gonna be like the most defining moment for us all in the infantry wing as to what everyone else says, and gonna be even more memorable thanks to our awesome monsoon season unleashing down rain till it floods till the waist levels at the survival sites. but im kinda looking forward to it in a way, like how often do u get to spend 3 days being totally alone and with nothing to distract yourself with except maybe the stuff u have to construct and all. real good opportunity to spend real quiet time with God in all the ways that matter.

i recall some two weeks into ocs when i realised the role of the cadet wing sergeant major(cwsm), i told myself that the one who gets the appointment for brunei is totally sad and pitiful, besides being the busiest person alive. and lo and behold, "cswm: shawn". haha thanks alot. oh God i need your peace and wisdom to handle this as effectively and efficiently as i can. let me not fall ill or anything like that, let me handle it with You.

okay anyway, i did be gone tmr night till the 7th of dec. jungle confidence course so they call it, hope it all goes well and no one fails it. God help me make the wise and right choices during the navigation phase and help me lead my group well, lead my group by your grace and direction.

so till then people. and gosh one tree hill is getting unbelievably good. come on give me a tv or a computer in brunei.

reason to believe.

2008-11-02T19:11:00.003+08:00

im back from an entire week outfield. ex robinson crusoe, ex cast away and ex hunter I. yeah i suppose ex cast away was really a memorable and rather painful one. i was cut, burnt, bleeding and famished at pulau tekong for the 3 days, living off wadeva was left of the 24 combat rations we had from robinson crusoe. i suppose it's good preparation for jcc in brunei(which apparently is just two weeks away), but well starving in the cold in groups of three still seem alot easier than starving alone in brunei. i guess what made the entire process alot worse was the wounds i had on my left knee that i inherited last sunday while cycling. the wounds wouldnt dry or clot so they kept bleeding and made all the adhesives soaked within minutes. it was like plugging a leaking tap with cotton wool. oh well at least it wasnt infected given the environment and conditions it had to be in.

people say that a song carries a message, or rather paint a picture or a particular emotion that the writer holds or tries to portray as he crafts the song. and its sort of like as we listen to them we sort of get the mental image or have this exhibit of emotions of roughly what the writer is trying to drive at, but almost never being able to capture exactly what the song really means or holds.

as for me, i suppose certain songs do capture or freezes a certain time frame and brands chapters of the past, or paints a particular emotion that i cant seem to grasp or put into words. like how wave goodbye by steadman always reminds me of the times of strained relationships between my family and i and being lost in it all during the lower sec days, hold on by the shore never fails to cast me away at some remote island in full view of the splendor of an orange sunset to take a breather from life. several ways to die trying by dashboard confessional very accurately depicts us being lost in a world of selfishness and individualism. hands down by dashboard confessional reminds me of when i was 11 yrs old sitting down by the table with my family at some hard rock cafe at melbourne, australia. i remember sitting there feeling all so bored and saw the acoustic version of it being aired on the tv above the counter, and told myself i was gonna learn the guitar and play that song on my wedding day, which also automatically became my fav song for years now. and the list really goes on and on.

i duno why im saying all these but it was just a random thought i had while making my way back in the rain. i suppose maybe thats why people say music is in itself a language, and im definitely also talking about classical pieces and all. ay wadeva.

oh yeah something that really made alot of sense to me while i was reading this book a few weeks back.

"Only as He rested in His relationship with Me, and in our communion--Our co-union--could He express My heart and will into any given circumstance. So, when you look at Jesus and it appears that He's flying, He really is... flying. But what you are actually seeing is Me; My life in Him. That's how He lives and acts as a true human, how every human is designed to live- out of My life.

A bird's not defined by being grounded but by his ability to fly. Remember this, humans are not defined by their limitations, but by the intentions that I have for them; not by what they seem to be, but by everything it means to be created in My image." - God.
Quoted from The Shack by William P. Young.

the man among the myrtle trees.

2008-10-19T00:01:00.003+08:00

i aint been updating in the longest of periods, mostly because by the time i have the time and mood to attempt to post, the once significant event and moment suddenly doesnt seem so significant and cherished anymore. and together with the intensity of life and perhaps my laziness to some extend, well there u have it, the temporary hiatus.

things are picking up quite abit, training schedule's mainly preparing us for the jungle confidence course in brunei, which would take place in about a month's time. well, its getting as bad as it sounds.

and yeah i did get that letter that everyone's been talking about, sometime a couple of weeks back. written on the front was my name and address in block letters, and the words "written on 3/10/07" at the back of the envelope. yeah a letter from a year ago me. i wasnt filled with the most anticipation or eagerness to open the letter, in fact i put it off for the few weeks that followed till say about 5 mins ago? perhaps a part of me was afraid to read the letter and find out that i hadnt achieve what i set myself out to do. or maybe i just didnt wanna find out.

as i read it, i found myself(a year ago me) thanking God for the things that i had in life, asking God to use me to show forth His glory with a miracle in my studies and ranting about a particular incident that happened recently then. and then i found myself cheering me on and reminding the now a year older me about the verse that i held on so dearly to during my jc years. well as jon ho puts it, so much has changed in one year. some things for the better and some for the bleak in an odd way.

these heights are dizzying, he's dying to live.

write it out.

2008-09-28T18:13:00.001+08:00

Yeah I try to write it out, not sure what I recall
I can’t tell if it’s memory or story telling now
It happened very quickly but it seemed to last for hours
And everything was crisp and clean till all came crashing down

So much fire and debris that I was nearly blind with panic,
and there was no one anywhere to turn to be saved
from the tyranny and cavalcade. And all use was lost.

And the more that I would struggle, the more that I became entwined
And the thickets & the thorns became my flesh and I was vine.
Creeping deep into the pavement, breaking ground as I grew fast
To the center of the city and up again where I did gasp
in the air or the breeze and I was still alive with a start

And there were people everywhere to behold and admire
And I longed to be one of them and though I was lost
I felt familiar with my surroundings, though they didn’t look quite right
Like someplace that I had been before, under cover of night.
And I found my way by light of day to the center of a crowd
and told them I was one of them and begged them for their help.
And with stones they took their aim, and I knew I would die at their hands
Where I was crowned a heretic to be loathed and set fire and laid upon a pyre of fire

And as I cast my eyes to the sky I felt your touch,
so gentle and so soothing that I knew I had been saved,
but my movements were so labored and my will had been betrayed
But my lips they were collop now and to them I am enslaved.
And the slightest indiscretions that I made were met with rage
And I burned to be free and then you rescued me
with your voice and beckoned me beside you and your touch was alive.
Sensational and vibrant and with care and your words

You say “a secret is a stealthy thing, you cannot know its plans.
You were only dreaming, dear, and now you’re here with me again.”
You ask if I’d account to you the spirit of my night
And you handed me this pad and this pen with which to write.
While it’s fresh in your mind.
Before it gets away
Before it gets away.

happy birthday to me.

2008-09-28T00:56:00.003+08:00

well okay happy birthday to me i suppose. haha so you did probably be expecting an entire long entry of like self-reflections and sudden revelations and all, but nah i've decided to keep them to myself this time.

and thanks for everyone who send me those birthday wishes or gave me presents, which includes that so very humiliating light-blue spongebob balloon with my name and nickname(which i still refuse to acknowledge) by my cellgroup. haha gosh guys, NS soldiers here. oh my bruised pride of manliness. anw, thanks alot people. really appreciate it no matter how big or small the gesture. haha you all are cherished by me. lol.

was thinking of what could my birthday wish be, and i suppose it's really to have a vision for myself in the remaining 24 weeks in ocs(infantry) for the short-term and my life in general for the long one. yeah you know how people say leading a life without vision is like running a race without knowing where the finishing line is? i sorta feel really blessed and all; like im really contented with the life im leading now. no qualms about it and all. but a clearer direction could help i suppose eh God, like where You wanna take me to with all that You have given me. oh well, we'll see.

and these 4 days break is way too short. too much to do in too little a time. yeah well here goes my embracing arms toward the 24 weeks of infantry.

it is well with my soul

2008-09-23T12:30:00.001+08:00

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
"It is well, it is well with my soul."

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed his own blood for my soul.

My sin, o, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

my suspicious heartbeat.

2008-09-21T20:02:00.003+08:00

and like the flu has been bugging me for two weeks now, ever since i over pushed my immune system during that 4km fast march or rather, 2km fast march + 2km FBO(full battle order) run. so i had quite a hard time breathing during the 16km route march and was totally giddy and feeling all messed up during the hour of torture on the parade square after the march. pure agony. i thought i was gonna like throw up or collapse cause my head was spinning so badly.

wanted to report sick the next day but apparently someone felt it wasn't "worthy enough a reason" but i managed to fight for at least a visit to the medical center to get some medication. and well at the medical center the doc insisted i took an ECG scan after checking my breathing patterns out with his stethoscope. and so, with the ECG results on his desk he turned and looked at me with concerned but flurried eyes and went, "your heartbeat is erm... rather suspicious." and so with that, they flew me down to NUH for further examination. haha it was like some sorta ER tv drama kinda thing, but well wth.

and apparently i needed the ECG results which wasnt given to me so i had to retake the scan again followed by a blood test, which they had to try 3 TIMES just to get a syringe of blood out of my left arm. so i sat there rotting for 2.5hrs while watching "america's got talent" without audio and just reading my book when they finally called me to tell me that, "you're normal. you can go back to camp now."

oh well hanyang was saying i should have told the doc, "you know why my heartbeat's suspicious? cause i caught God's heartbeat." haha that would have been totally classic.

and well social night went well i suppose, considering the amount of time they had to get it in order. and the 24km overnight route march this coming wednesday morning before pro-term officially begins.

i light my own fires.

2008-09-15T22:37:00.003+08:00

exhausted. all worn-out and spent.

an entire month of field camps. and just when we thought it was now gonna get better, we realised that our so called now "slack and relaxed" timetable consists of fast marches, SOCs, route marches, OCCTs and whats not. oh well. anyway yeah im staying in infantry, officially. well i dont know if this is a good or bad thing but the next 6 months certainly wont seem to get any easier. okay so social night's this friday, and our 24km route march and graduation ceremony's(if you may call it) next wednesday.

now i've gotta go sleep early to recover from this annoying flu or i wont have my nose(and voice) back by friday. oh yeah, and that major test tmr to study for.

give me back my point of view.

2008-08-31T13:53:00.002+08:00

well no i aint dead yet, just probably totally dead tired like everyone else considering the amount of time we had to sleep over the past 3 weeks. the last week of section field camp we were averaging around 3-4 hrs of rest a day after one whole long day of drills and lessons in dirty, muddy, sticky and rain soaked uniforms, which gave a good majority of us heat rashes and abrasions. section field camp was really rather eventful i suppose, fun at times when you're on missions patrolling and trying to spot the enemy's ambush and then flank them or smth. but the planning phase before each mission can totally drive you nuts. it took our entire 4 hrs of rest in between missions that we were supposed to be entitled with. so we ended up going through 3 days of missions back to back with ard an hr of rest max.

anyway, we had our platoon attack field camp this week. which it rained every single day we were outfield yet again, and the fatigue and exhaustion just kept piling and escalating. haha it was quite funny to see people just stumbling and collasping while standing up for no reason cause they had just dozed off in the moment. oh and apparently i received some positive OR(observatory report) for being positive and cheerful throughout the entire 10 days of section field camp and having lead the section well when i was IC for the morning patrol. haha why would anyone want a merit point in ocs, it really amounts to nothing. they dont even give u stickers for like having like 3 merit points or smth. oh well. and he managed to convince me to change my EI from artillery to infantry. haha like wth i woke up the next day feeling like i just stupidly signed up with some financial plan or smth. i basically sealed my fate and closed all doors out of all these jungle and physical training, and opened my arms to embrace the thailand and brunei jungles as well.

oh and i finally bought a new amp on my last book out. Marshall MG15MSII Zakk Microstack, which totally looks awesome in my room. quite costly though, especially without any discount at $420. well i was just too desperate and tempted.

feels like forever since i last went for service, 3 weeks if im not wrong.

wave goodbye.

2008-08-10T18:34:00.003+08:00

gonna have to miss ard 3-4 weeks of service, thanks to all the outfield missions coming up. starting tmr there's gonna be a 13 day field camp compromising of the section field camp and platoon field camp. its back to tekong jungles i suppose. next book out, 24th august.

well, till then.

remember to breathe.

2008-08-05T11:38:00.003+08:00

When Roosevelt was president of the US, he went on a hunting safari in Africa. On his return to the US, a missionary who was retiring after forty years of service in a remote jungle village was travelling on the same ship. When the ship docked, cheering crowds greeted the president, but not a single person was there to welcome the returning missionary. Momentarily the man of God was filled with self-pity. He thought, "When a president comes home after a short hunting trip, hundreds come out to greet him. But, Lord, when one of Your missionaries comes home after a lifetime of service, no one is there to meet him." Immediately it as if the Lord whispered, "But My son, you are not home yet." - Our Daily Bread

God is a verb.

2008-07-27T22:43:00.004+08:00

New world-big horizon
Open your eyes and see it's true
New world-across the frightening
Waves of blue

-David Wilcox

remember the 8km run i was supposed to do on wed and the 7km one on friday? well God answers prayers and it actually really did rain at like 5.45am right before the run could begin, and then the freezing rain suddenly releases you from expectations, performance demands, and the tyranny of appointments and schedules. you could almost hear a unified sigh rise from the parade square and surrounding wings where nature has intervened to give respite to the weary humans slogging it out within her purview. and our hearts are suddenly and unexpectedly a little giddy. we ran the 8km anyhow, in place of friday's run.

and God's been ever so amazing and my superhero, literally. its an outrage of justice to just describe it all in a couple of words.

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okay like you know on friday where we were supposed to do the 8km run(the postponed one), it actually rained again.. but we were gonna run anyhow, just like wait out mother nature. so i grabbed my ziplock and dumped the bunk key and my other impt articles inside, when i had this inkling of an impression that i shouldnt do so as the key might fall outta the bag from this really delicate hole at the corner. but u know like in every intense and crucial moment i got caught up in the situation and just dumped and go. and i dashed down the steps heading for the embracing arms of the training shed, which happened to be behind this heavy wall of rain. so i like just took a deep breath and ran down the final few steps only to hear the clang of metal striking metal, key against drain. and it dawned upon me that my key was no longer in the ziplock bag. murphy's law, totally. so i went back out into the rain, staring down into the drain with only the aid of the lights of the training shed and realised that it was like 90% flooded with murky water. i hadnt the slightest hint as to where it was, and whether it was still there or washed away by the rain water.

well so i had to wait, at least till the rain and water subsided. you dont lose a bunk key, for its not only $50 and extras, but all that inconvenience in having to change the lock and all. to be honest i was really rather disturbed by the thought of losing the key but yet didnt really wanna think about it. nothing i could do at the moment really. dont wanna think about it yet not ever letting it outta my mind. so after breakfast the rain subsided a bit and i kinda went down with my friend to get the laundry, so might as well give my key a shot. and just about 5 seconds away from where i assumed it would be, there was a power failure! the lights were down, and the only light source was this little lamp-stand(whatever u call that) between the training shed and my wingline. and there u have it, with the lamp's rays gracefully focused and pointing out my key at the bottom of the drain admist the entire stretch of darkness. it really felt like it was God Himself placing His finger holding down the key in place and then kindly pointing it out to me. ah saved my ass yet again.

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oh anyway, i decided to pamper my legs and soothe my aching knees(by burning a hole in my wallet), and bought a pair of running shoes. they kinda got the retailer down so just decided to grab a pair, slightly over a $100. i realised NS does really make sense of the term 'allowance' instead of 'salary'.

also, i managed to catch up with michael at the range(where u shoot targets with your rifle). yeah michael long from my upper sec class whom we used to talk about theology, apologetics and our own walk in class. shared with him briefly how the past 2 yrs were and what i took out of it. and he shared how God encouraged him and saved his studies and all. really encouraging and all sharing how each of us grew from who we were to who we are. what we really want in life and what matters to us christians in defiance of culture.

it became clearer and clearer over the past week on how, cliche as it seems, that even with our little supposedly insignificant decisions(perhaps in compromise), we mould bit by bit our character and ultimately, who we are.

listenin to - fuego de dios by hillsong united

to get away from getting by.

2008-07-13T23:52:00.005+08:00

and the loyal soldier is set free after 20 days. yes it has to be 20 days when every other wing in ocs booked out on friday evening, cause we were terribly special to have live range on saturday. and of which it got postponed due to power failure but we still couldnt book out cause sunday's breakfast has already been indented for us. oh well. this also means another saturday is gonna be burnt for range.

and yeah i suppose the past 20 days hasnt really been the most comfortable or relaxing. we had our pts on top of the 1000 word autobioography, daily journal entry which has to consist of at least one learning point, reflections to write, and tests to study. yes really study. probably ran ard over 30km the past 3 weeks, had turnouts, change parades, everything in-and-out mental torture, all these on top of the training schedule already planned out for us. okay some events were actually fun, like waking up at 5am to go for a cool dip into the freezing pool then jumping down 5m into the pool, then changing and running up the ocs tower which is ard 265 steps high while screaming your lungs out. we had some chemical defence package too where you literally see grown boys cry, foam and salivate.

oh and i had a couple of times where God literally saved me yet again. on the first sat we had this navigation exercise where we were thrown into this jungle to navigate through, armed with only a compass(yes, while you all were enjoying the aircon of nexus). after the day exercise i was totally drenched from head to toe in sweat as it was so freaking humid, and the terrain was really quite bad. then we had the night exercise. i needed to get to my last checkpoint to be able to complete the night exercise. so i was really lazy and instead of navigating ard this impossible hill i decided to just climb it and bash through(which almost caused me two popped knees). so i made it up and up, then finally came down the other side. by the time i reached my checkpoint i was really so exhausted and all, and i reached into my LBV(load-bearing vest) only to realise i left the pocket zip totally down and my check list was no where in sight. gosh i swear i could have killed myself right there. cause it was totally pitch dark u couldnt even see your own hands at times. all there was was the two 0.5cm glowing compass tips. so i had to turn ard and walk back up that hill, in no particular direction caused i didnt follow a track nor did i know how to get up. i seriously had no idea how i was gonna find my checklist in the middle of nowhere. sort of like looking for a needle in a haystack with your eyes closed. i prayed as sincerely as i know how asking God to 'be a lamp to my feet' and walked ard aimlessly. then like some 80m up the hill, i saw from the corner of my eye a little to the left, my ziplock bag with my checklist! ah oh man. that's one for the record.

of course there's really embarrassing moments too, like when i fell asleep waiting for the other half to finish their weapon lessons, after i watched a walk to remember on my ipod. i kinda got up really disorientated and ran down after putting on my footwear. then when i was at the end of the stairs, in full view of everyone in the training shed, i bumped into one of the officers. he asked me what's wrong with me thrice. at first i thought i held my rifle wrongly, then i thought cause i left my left boot lace outta my gutters. then i finally realised i had worn my combat boots on my left feet and my white pt shoe on my right feet. totally embarrassing esp when everyone was looking. yeah go ahead and laugh.

on the second sunday it was parents visitation day, whereby we get to meet our loved ones. it was really refreshing, to see my parents and my sis(bro didnt go though). really missed them, my family. ah missed my sis quite abit. haha and she talked to me on msn two nights ago in camp(yeah we get to use the com in camp) and asked which version of msn was i using, so she could send me a wink lol. but that day was also probably the day where the gates of hell were opened as we promoted into service term.

i suppose ocs really takes pride in what it does. lots of lectures and lesson plans about finding out about ourselves and leading others. some of which are really insightful and comprehensive. made me think quite abit, about who i am and who i wanna be. i remember a phrase which went "follow your own star; be an original." kinda made alot of sense to me with the word an added in. yeah leadership really is more encompassing than i thought it was.

don't shape it back. i believe in clean breaks, i keep the old troubles away.

the swiss army romance.

2008-06-23T01:02:00.003+08:00

okay it all begins in about 6-7 hrs time. met my shep like a few hours ago and well okay i guess perhaps the next 9 months is really gonna be tough, esp having to balance ministry and family. oh well God grant me wisdom and Your presence. take me through it with a focus and vision. yeah and all the best to all your new vocations and wadeva, those sea soldiers i pray u all meet some mermaid and get slapped in the face by it's tail. those in guards u have my deepest empathy. recce troops okay lah have fun. and all my fellow engineers haha carry your stuff well.

tell me you won't give up.

listenin to - the brilliant dance by dashboard confessional.

the good fight.

2008-06-22T01:32:00.004+08:00

hello. yeah in case you're wondering where i got posted to, well i got posted to OCS(army). okay yeah well not really what i was expecting since i explicitly told my commanders i dont wanna end up there. said yes to command sch though, which proved to be a wiser choice as those in my bunk who didnt say yes either ended up in guards or recce troopers. okay now anyway this means i would have my three weeks confinement starting this coming monday. seriously aint looking forward to all that training and stuff i've been hearing about, but oh well. and they say how at the end of the three weeks when u finally book out you see everything and everyone in a different light. ay oh pls, if its gotta be any other prospective im gonna be seeing things in i want it to be through God's eyes.

anyway oh yeah i forgot to mention i finally got my new mp3. ipod 80GB classic. awesome i can finally not have to choose which songs to take out with me. and my new computer just came in yesterday too, but well only have like a few more hours to savour it.

and oh well. so see you like in 3 weeks time if im still alive.

a whisper and a clamor.

2008-06-19T02:23:00.003+08:00

cause maybe sometimes all we need is a little reminder, and perhaps all i needed was a little encouragement.

now things arent that bad, i think i see where im heading.

Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends

2008-06-16T20:34:00.003+08:00

yeah yeah im finally posting. haha well i pop-ed (passing out parade not POP) last tuesday, yeah bringing the entire bmt phase to an end. people say you would miss the bmt life the most haha well i guess i can see why. when i saw all the parents coming into the grand stand to get ready for our parade, a part of me was dying to leave with them outta that island but yet another half was kinda wanting to stay. haha yeah i guess when u spend 9 weeks of joy and well most of the times, agony and torture together you really start to form this erm, camaraderie if you may.

recruits night went well, i guess in terms of people having fun. yeah we rather nervous before our item. haha i remember samuel and i trying desperately to memorise the lyrics of those 3 songs, okay yeah fine i forgot parts of them subsequently but wadeva.

the last few nights were truly, memorable lol. whole load of fun when we really had a war against our commanders and subsequently, the adjacent company. never forget how one of the commanders crept in while everyone's asleep to smear peanut butter (yes those u spread on toast) on my friend's ass, and then camou cream over his body and wrote "army" with a black marker on his back. haha hilarious moments. how leonard(our muaythai champ and resident bodyguard) pinned down the commander and we blasted him with prickley heat powder lol. then the last official night it was really like some war cum prison riot, people were armed with wadever liquid or molten substance(of which included sweet corn, detergent, etc.) they could get, storming bunks and chasing one another. my section sorta became a 'city of refuge' for our platoon thanks to our highly fortified and reinforced defence structure(which apparently came crumbling down with a push). haha oh well, pure fun.

ay well if you ask me if i miss bmt life? yeah definitely, miss the entire orion culture of being all so regimental and yet tough in a fun way. well maybe not so much of the former i suppose. okay just waiting to see our postings before we head back into wherever we are posted to on monday.

listenin to - this ain't a scene, it's an arms race by fall out boy

feels like forever.

2008-05-11T13:45:00.005+08:00

just halfway there. halfway there.

field camp's like tml on till saturday. ah God make this week disappear from my life man. okay maybe im just scaring myself on purpose. lol i just hate the idea of not being able to bathe and wearing sweaty and stinky uniforms the entire time with camou all over your body. well apart from that it aint so bad right? just bugs, centipedes, ants, scorpions.. ah wadeva.

listenin to - in every sunflower by bell x1

the acceleration group.

2008-05-04T16:18:00.002+08:00

the flames will flicker and the wanting will waver,
the storm will stutter but i won't blow over.
until the war is won,
until the song is sung and the work is done.

it's the acceleration group with the acceleration groove,
formation fighting, form in a line.
the acceleration group with the acceleration groove,
formation fighting, form into one.
the next boat is yours.

a year in the past, forever in the future.

2008-05-04T14:28:00.004+08:00

havent been here in the longest of time ever. okay the past couple of weeks have really had lots of well, decorated eventful moments.

well the first 16 days of confinement passed by as though it was 16 years instead. out of which i kinda came down with a really bad case of throat infection and flu, coupled with a record-high(for me at least) fever of 39.5°C. so i kinda was rewarded(as quoted from my sergeant) the sickbay for ard 20 hours. yeah they kinda gave me some iv drip which kinda made me keep having to use the bathroom. then finally when the fever came down and i was discharged, it took ard 8 hrs to get my temperature up to 39.2°C again and there, my second reward. and the medics cant seem to get the needle in my vein and like they kept missing after twisting and turning with the needle INSIDE your vein. ah right. so i had like 2 extra holes for nothing. overall, the most torturous fact was that i brought my headphones but not my mp3 player!! so basically i had no music to listen to for 16 days except dumb army songs and the trumpet recording thing that they played during flag-raising and lowering.

so basically well army life is just, army life. i shant elaborate cause then i would have to throw in those army jargons and no one would end up understanding unless you're a fellow unfortunate soul. had really really very hilariously funny moments in camp, and also yet very emotionally draining ones as well. haha maybe that's why people say you're miss bmt when its over.

oh btw i finally bought my new guitar. Fender MIK Ash Lite Telecaster. okay so like over a span of two days i just saw $1000 fly outta my bank account. oh well. i shall take a break from buying anymore guitar stuff for at least maybe a month or two. no pictures cause i aint got a camera and my camera phone is like chucked away thanks to ns.

booked out for smu business interview last friday. thank God my group were all guys, which meant majority fellow dumb ns guys. we had to write an essay the moment we enter, of which it really made me feel so incompetent and stupid. been so long since i actually had to write something that makes sense. my title was "in not more than 500 words discuss patriotism." haha and no i didnt write a single thing about ns, though like the entire time the 7 core values kept ringing in my head. then we were given 10 mins to read an article on the world trying to attract gulf tourism before we headed on to the interview class to discuss about it. wasnt easy but then it was really quite cool and interactive. really nice for a change to see the person in charge not talk with sacarsm and scrutiny but with a tone that's encouraging and warm.

and well, here's to living in the moment.

listenin to - blue eyes by cary brothers.

so long sweet summer.

2008-04-09T00:04:00.004+08:00

okay i guess its like ard 10 hrs later, 10 hrs to my alcatraz. okay still in the midst of packing but i must say im gonna miss home alot. miss my com, miss my bed, miss my guitars, miss my pool, and of course my family.

i would be confined till 25 april, phone would still work as long as the ONE FULL BATT doesnt betray me. the beginning of my ns ministry, how fun. okay and if u guys are wishing u did see pictures of me bald here after i get released from the dungeon, FAT CHANCE KID.

haha yeah just get lost lol.

bend and not break.

2008-04-08T02:22:00.005+08:00

"Christianity carries a praying christian;
a christian that doesnt pray carries his christianity."

i hate this phase(not phrase), the phase of awaiting something impending, something so significant. oh well. rushed lots of last minute stuff like getting army stuff and army phone and army specs and army blah blah blah.

jontay said army is a time where a Christian makes or breaks, given pressing moral contradictions, and its how in tough situations calls for a true Christian to bend and not break(just reminds you of the song doesnt it), and then makes a stubborn resilient recovery for something beyond. haha okay fine he didnt say it like that but the idea's there. i like that actually. on the fact that my faith would really be tested like every christian would in a worldly environment. this way i can really see what my faith is made of and on.

count it down count it down. measure these minutes by a clock's that blinking eights.

I catalog these steps now,decisive and intentioned,
precise and patterned specifically to Yours.

the things we feel alone from one another.

2008-04-06T23:06:00.009+08:00

okay i think i should thank all so nice and willing ~~cher~~ cheryl for doing the blogskin(eh i was kind enough not to write the whole thing). adapted to dashboard's 'several ways to die trying', which happens to be a really nice melodious literature song if u havent heard alr. yeah much simple now see, simplicity is cool.

yeah went for my first tertiary service with the ns guys and subsequently for ns vision night which ended at around 11pm. to be honest im rather impressed by the extent to which the ns guys take ownership of this group that they are in/leading, and the fervour and conviction behind the pledges to make the ns ministry one that moulds every young man who been through it into a biblical and powerful man of Christ. i guess it brushed aside any apathetical resignation i might perhaps have harboured in the transfer. i really wanna see how i turn out out of these whole two years in the ns ministry. God, craft and mould me into Your intend, let Your will be done in my life.

proceeded to matthias's place for a stay over with gideon who apparently had 'divine and serious stuff to discuss about' before we enter our alcatraz. ended up wrestling on matthias's(gosh it so spells mattress) bed and sleeping there after an hour of winning eleven.

oh first ns cg was at istana park. haha and jiehui made us write our letters that we were gonna receive back on 'graduation day' of the ns ministry, asking us to mark and in the process, think about what we want to achieve in these two years. oh the promise, the pain, the valor, the rage. hold my hands up for the bow and the wave.

and boy did i feel like a star today. after going to my paternal's granddad's and grandmom's grave, followed by the maternal great-grandmom's, we all went to my aunt's place to have the farewell dinner for their beloved nephew who would in perhaps a little over 60 hrs would be martyred into two years of.. fun(i sincerely hope)! yeah okay real nice of them to pray for me and all. yup thanks in advance for all the prayers that u family are gonna keep me in, deeply appreciate it!

oh then my uncle showed me a copy of the first ever chinese bible to be published in the world. it looked totally like those ancient china scholar books. pity i didnt get a picture down i was too busy staring at it in awe. then my uncle pointed to this museum piece on the wall, a rather morbid and dark piece showing an old man/woman sitting down with eyes of despair, being buried my the shadows of a figure much taller and built. he told me to tell a story about the picture in about 2 mins. haha well i was... stumped.

and with this new blogskin i can finally upload pics so u wont just hear senseless babble.

here i shall show u my awesome cousin who sang "it ends tonight" by AAR right into my ear. haha awesome right i bet u couldnt do that at her age!

oh sweet serenity; well okay not really.

well okay, this is just so that my sis won't get jealous.

see you maybe one more time before wed. if not, the curtain calls and the big parade. so long peeps.

2008-03-31T00:50:00.002+08:00

yeah it all ended; relief teaching's over. if im not wrong i heard from huiying that relief teachers are bounded by some contract that states that we cant blog about the experience or students or smth like that. oh well, you can come ask me yourself then. haha i guess its really an experience i wont forget, taught me loads about myself and have to say really tested my patience and wisdom at times. haha and it definitely increases your prayer life too. took the entire sec 2 cohort for pe and 3NT math and was the form for 2NT. ay to be honest i really do miss the kids alr, though i really could live without having to wake up at unholy 5.40am. school life is definitely one to be missed.

oh yeah im officially youth no longer. transfered over to the tertiary congregation alr. to be honest i aint really feeling all that sad and all, just maybe the aint seen the face of the implications yet. yeah certainly im gonna miss all those youth faces and youth times, not to mention the youth camps. ay the past 38 months i've seen God change me from the inside out couple of times over, learnt lessons that should have and should never have been learnt and basically became who i am today i suppose. im not sad i have to move on, well i guess i most probably be seeing everyone again in a year or two wont i? ay okay if u miss me so much you can be like my kris-kindle and buy me lots of cool stuff haha. or maybe continue to my guitar fund. right wadeva. well, im coming over like mist be coming rain.

so next wednesday it is. yeah the dreaded 9th of April. 9 more days to anarchy no more.

hey tell me tell me,
dont spare the bait.

2008-03-23T01:30:00.002+08:00

ay okay i shant talk about school and relief teaching here lest some students find it or smth. haha maybe when its all over i suppose. so if you're so very nosy or just oh so very concerned about my welfare and life u can just ask me when u see me or smth.

well okay. im like left with one more youth service to go before im a tertiary boy. after 38 months in the jc ministry, it all ends with this last 7 days.

"... it's about a fear of what we've got slipping away and I guess it's a plea just to remember what a great thing it is to have a bond between people. And even if you all go off and you do different things and you make different friends and have all these adventures as people do - it's just a plea that at the end of it all you're still the backstop in someone's life, as it were..." - Tim from Keane on the song entitled Hamburg Song. another beautifully written piece in my opinion.

but it was all yellow.

2008-03-12T01:58:00.002+08:00

okay here's the long overdued post. yes fine my grades my grades. AAB BD. way better than expected, esp considering the amount of effort i put in. GP was a let down though, but more like an expected disappointment. i felt ambitious and took a risk, guess it wasnt the smartest of choices. considered the odds(which was very against me) but decided to do it anyway. haha oh well. i really wanna thank God for my grades man, second time He conjured a miracle for my grades. second time in the second major exam. grace abounds yeah? i really dont deserve my grades at all, but well maybe He's got something real big installed for me in uni. speaking of which i have no clue where to go or what course to take in uni. i seriously didnt expect the grades.

talked to gideon yesterday. the conversation that was long overdued. i guessed it really summed up the past 2 over years, and im actually quite surprised at how i managed to fit them all into words. well maybe not all of it but a good majority, now the secret's in the telling. if you knew what i know, would you try?

would be transfering at the end of march, which is like say 3 more youth services to go? to be honest im kinda looking forward to it, like a fresh start and a new beginning. i like ground zero, and i wanna see where i can go from there. God ordain my steps ahead, and help me find myself.

oh on a happier note, my sis turned 10 years old last sunday! see now we're in the same age group, the 10+s. she demanded a macdonald's birthday party and fine, that was what she got(dont you just love being a kid). she invited her friends whom in turn invited their sisters and brothers and there u have it, an army of kids and noise. but well they were all nice kids lah, except when i was supposed to buy them ice-cream and they werent satisfied with a free ice-cream cone but demanded mcflurry's, sundaes and milkshakes instead. haha oh pls they already had free drinks and a free happy meal and presents. haha the economical setback of a birthday, you got to love it. oh well, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS! here's your moment to shine.

okay last piece of news, i would be relief teaching at anderson secondary after the school holidays, which would mean monday onwards. be taking a teacher who's gonna have to reservice(oh the irony). teaching all sec 2 PE and sec 3NT math and cme. and i forbid u to laugh! cause im a real civil and moral person so teaching cme would totally be my thing. okay i hope i have fun, though i have to prepare my own math worksheets and stuff. ay God give me lovable students pls lol.

2008-03-06T01:51:00.002+08:00

oh hello march.

oh yeah i've been working recently, doing surveys on uni students regarding their love life. haha rather amusing i guess, and like get to meet all sorts of people from the bookworms to the social monsters. had a great time talking to them about their unis too and all, which brings reality to perspective esp with results coming out this friday. you know what, i shant think about it till like thursday night.

well anyway, yeah happy late belated birthday to you martin. yeah acquired swimming buddies lately, martin and rayson. well i wont say swimming clears my head(like i used to) but i would say its more like it gives u something to throw all this energy and emotions into. but the weather's been real bad for swimming lately though, nearly froze my brains out swimming this morning.

am i the escape or the escape artist? i light my own fires now.

2008-02-27T03:03:00.001+08:00

how do you feel when there's no sun?
and how will you be when rain clouds come?
and pull you down again
how will you feel when there's no one?
am I just like you?

cause i'm just like you.

2008-02-24T03:42:00.002+08:00

i think all of us finds that something to channel all our energy into, every bit of intensity and desperateness we can find. and when we found that something, we pull with all our might, we hold on as though our life depends on it, never letting go. we dont look back, we dont think twice for the weight has to be light. and when the fatigue sets in, we play it as a folly of the mind.

well, maybe we just ride different stars.

2008-02-21T01:29:00.003+08:00

i have a thousand things i wanna say, yet silence provides the best refuge.

again i go unnoticed? sweet.

do what you must do to fill that hole.

wear another shoe to comfort the sole.

2008-02-15T03:58:00.003+08:00

and we'll ride this one out wont we? ay sheesh its just those days where i wanna say i feel really blessed to be called God's own. well nothing happened, i guess im just counting my blessings. glad that everything happened be it for reasons whether i know of or am oblivious too.

and you cant help but wonder, are we really too caught up in chasing our own lives till we really lose the essence of who/what we are chasing. well maybe, maybe not.

that being said, i know im chasing God.